Late Night Troubles

Currently Playing: Give It Away by Zero7

Or early morning troubles... depending on how u look at it.

It's bad enuff to know that a crappy instituition wasted 5 yrs of ur life trying to teach u useless crap.

It's worse to be constantly reminded you owe them lots of money for your troubles as well.

And it's much worse when you owe more than others.

Of coz, the money owed can easily be written off. but it's not nice... and it's just not a nice feeling. like owe-ing your enemy money.

So one more driving force: I wanna have my revenge. One Day. I will make them pay me back.

How? i'm not very sure at the moment; i hvn't got the details worked out. first thing i gotta do is get some leverage. so i gotta be damn successful at wat i do. no worries - revenge is a dish best served cold. and i want/hv to prove myself too.

So... what are my options now? POSSIBLE freelance outdoor photographer AND backpacker hostel operations exec. 2 half-past-six jobs = 1 full job. I'll only know for sure on monday...

Of coz pay isn't the main factor. I want it to be interesting, so it's a start. So right now part of my plan consists of the hope that potential employers will find them interesting too.

I know it won't be easy. but the legwork doesn't scare me. in fact, i like going out and meeting ppl and talking. but it's the mental work i'm worried abt. not sure i hv the discipline to do self-learning. I have to return my "finance for dummies" library book on tues and I hvn't finished 1/3 after 6 wks. I just hope settling into a routine will give me more discipline, which shd start this coming week.

I wanna do so many other things as well. I WILL juggle them. coz i want to. I've wasted too much time.
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next troubling topic.

Wat does it mean to "like" someone?

Does it mean I find her physically attractive? That's shallow. The whole "love" thing is supposed to go deeper than that, right?

Does it mean I think she's suitable for sharing a future? So do i really know she is? Or do i just hope that?

Does it mean I see that she's available and I'm willing? So I like her because she's there? Still shallow.

Does it mean I feel that I want a relationship with her? I may, but is it just for my own emotional gratification? That's selfish.

I don't think I understand wat these things mean anymore. Someone help me out here. Leave a comment.

There was a time I thot I did. I guess after so many botched attempts, my once-strong romantism has waned and faded.

I think the word here is "jaded".

That sense of futility that just makes you tired.

Do I really like you because you're you? Or do I feel this way just because you're here?
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I guess it doesn't really matter at the moment anyway. gotta focus on myself first. maybe that's wat I shd've done all along.

note to self: Do wat ya gotta do! Start juggling!