Convocation

Didn't want to go really. but went for parents. And they, especially dad, were much happier than i was. i was just plain bored by the hassle, irritated by the crowd, and pressed for time most of the day.

started off well enuff, albeit the initial confusion. dun blame me, i nv grad before. dunno where to go, dunno where to send parents. i found my own seat easily enuff, and much too soon i think. was so bored i started thumbing the PR material they gave me, among the empty seats.

then the guy on my left starts talking. surprised and welcoming the change, we chatted about part time studying (him), first jobs (me), third jobs (him), overseas jobs (him), prize-winning classmates (him), pregnant classmates (him), the indian graduates wearing short sleeves (me).

meanwhile the pomp and ceremony begins. the catchy academically-inclined tune starts up and is still playing in my head right now. the old men and women in their gaudy gowns start flowing down the stairs in their black, red, blue, orange. i even saw a purple and a green/red, like a x'mas tree. fitting that an ang moh was wearing it... hahah

everytime someone came up to speak, he wld bow to the old guy in the centre on the biggest chair and he wld bow back. great job he has. best view in the audi and he only has to say 2 lines: declare ceremony open, and declare ceremony closed. he did stand and give out empty folders, but someone else took over by the time i was up there.

i nearly fell asleep twice. zow's thick warm comfy dress made the seat very cushy. the old man droning on and on brought back LT memories. of me being lulled to sleep. didn't really help that i only knew 1 or 2 other ppl collecting their empty folders today.

i had to get up and walk around. so i went to the toilet, disrupting the monotony of the ushers as they tried to direct me to where the others, after coming down from stage, were heading to their seats. hope i didn't attract too much attention in the violent scuffle to pee. hahah! just kidding. they made way for me once i whispered my destination.

nice ppl, really. i'm sure they have regular day jobs and kena arrowed to wear magenta monk robes for the whole week. kinky. i was thinking they shd wear a matching hood as well, which covers their faces in darkness, and not speak at all, but only point to the direction we must head to. and as an interlude they could hv went on stage and performed the gregorian chant version of "Graduation"
(originally that (too) sweet sweet sweet song overplayed at every kindy / pri / sec / jc / poly / ite / uni / line dancing course / etc graduation)

finally it was my turn - i was seated at the 2nd last row. everyone either ignored the video camera projected on the big screen behind, or the earnest *koffnerdykoff* ones wld stand stiffly and display the folder to the world, even if they held it upside down by mistake while the lensmen recorded that ghastly scene for posterity. so i decided to give a nice big smile when i passed it.

ceremony done, we took photos in my gown (only me in the gown) with the help of a long time fren; surprised to see him coz he was very early for the next session. went to reception but all there was left was stale beehoon, so intro mum and dad to cant a jap food... nice and cheap! and cant a kopi... shiok. if i wld miss anything from ntu, it wld be cant a kopi.

and that was it. the rest of the day was spent going to new company to sign contract, medical check up, pushing insurance claim, chatting at the dentist's, running errands. then at home dad hits upon the idea to go to grandma's and take photos with the gown. onz.

grandma was very glad, very proud, and couldn't stop laughing with joy at me in the gown, and the photos we took. she was so happy getting her to sit still for a un-blur picture took coaxing from dad twice. aiming to make her happy again by year's end, and dad too. mum already knows how.

special mention: thanx zow, for lending me the gown. my parents and grandma loved it. i owe u a meal.

Siti! Awak Kenapa Mengahwini Orang Tua!?!?*

My favourite Malay pop star, Siti Nurhaliza, is getting married to a guy who has more of everything than her.

She's probably really rich, as a singer, but this guy, Datuk** K, confirm more money. Coz he's a datuk. He also got 1 moustache more than Siti. oh yah, he also got 4 kids, a previous marriage, and TWENTY YEARS more than her.

Well ok, i admit, i've not exactly listened to her songs before, but i can never, never turn the page without looking at her photo at least twice. Thanx to a local lunchtime tabloid, which features malay celebrities on english print. (THANK YOU, TNP)

for those of u who still dun get it, here's her picture.



SANGAT MANIS***!!!! everytime i look at her, i just feel like pinching those cute cute chubby cheeks of hers and play masak-masak**** with her.

For those of u who dunno her, she's the sweet innocent pop princess of Malaysia. Always sweet and smiling, always singing innocent songs abt innocent love, always modestly covered (see above photo). Never any songs abt sex, angst, and all that crap the US churns out. Always, only female fans can go up to stage and get close to her during her shows. 100% no khalwat, no scandal. until now.

But she's not the extremist muslim type either. no burkas. else how to see her cute cute chubby cheeks? can only see her eyes. anyway she looks GREAT in sarong kebayas.

WHY? Siti, WHY?

what madness drove her to marry someone old enuff to be her father??? i wun mind if she marries some young dude abt her age; i'd even be happy for her. but an old man? a divorced old man? a divorced old man with 4 kids abt her age?!?!?

guys, how would u feel if ur wife and ur kids were abt the same age? how abt ur wife and ur daughter sharing the same clothes? ok. maybe for some aunties who refuse to admit their age, that's normal. how abt ur wife getting along much better with ur kids? ok. maybe that is normal for most families. argh. you know wat i mean.

ok. another angle. girls, wld u marry an old man whose daughters are ur age? wat? then u can share clothes without feeling weird?

sigh. ok ok. wat IF, ur dad married someone ur age, say... a classmate. wldn't that be GROSS?!??!?

so u see, this rich old man not only does not care abt Siti's pristine reputation, he doesn't care abt his kids' psychological well-being.

I can see the tabloid headlines now. from Malaysia, the Star: SITI MARRIES RICH OLD MAN. from UK, the Sun: SITI MARRIES RICH OLD MAN. from China, the Moon: SITI MARRIES RICH OLD MAN.

ok, i made the last one up. but it looks like got world-wide coverage rite?

SITI, WHY?

sigh.


i know wat "english name" i shd get liao. nowsaday got so many weird names, dun sound like english at all. like... like... it's late, i can't remember any. anyway i shall join in the fray: my first name will be DATUK.

now to look for a future pop princess 20yrs younger than me. hmmm... that PSC an pei na bei always got kids talentime on tv hor? ok, will try there 1st. hopefully they have a lot of 6 yr olds to choose from. dun worry, i wun do anything now... i can wait 20yrs, when she gives her 1st solo concert, then i pounce. just like that datuk.

now, where do i find 4 kids?


* Why You Marry Old Man!?!?
** an honorary title given to distinguished citizens by the M'sian gahmen. either that, or u're rich enuff to buy it from them. with it might come ur own M'sian road as well. see http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2006/03/datuk_applicati.php
*** VERY SWEET!!!!
**** literally means "play-play", refers to the play cooking with little plastic utensils that i... i mean WE enjoyed with our girl cousins when young. or last month.
***** aiyah go get ur own english-malay dictionary can?

Endings

don't you just hate it when things end? and just when you feel attachment?

you feel a sense of emptiness... a sense of loss. you feel sorry that it ended.

nights aren't the same anymore. all you can do is sit in front of the computer and stone. and think abt the good times you had. and that even a second time round won't be the same.

it wldn't be full of delightful surprises, full of unexpected twists and turns.

sigh.




cyclist, thanx for ur Samurai 7 series. now i need a new set of anime.

Should or Want?

Finally, finally, finally; at the end, with a dozen roads to choose from, and he wants, no, insists, that I go straight ahead.

That i should do something i am trained for.

That i should not dabble in other chapalang, half past six, anyone can do jobs.

That i should not end up like my good-for-nothing MLM relations. (this one i agree)

So how? Am i going to do wat i SHOULD do? or WANT to do? although i still do not know wat i WANT, I know wat i DON'T WANT, which incidentally happens to be wat i SHOULD do.

so how so how so how?

There are 5 options.

a) Do what I SHOULD do, suffer for another 13 years to make up an even 20, shrivel up, and die.

b) Do what I SHOULD do, suffer for another 3 years, leave with wat's left of my sanity to find another job, get rejected countless times coz of totally irrelevant experience, shrivel up, and die.

c) Do what I WANT to do, and suffer for it every evening when I get home.

d) Do what I WANT to do, and run away from home, sleep in a rarely-used closet/janitor room and live on colleagues' biscuits until I rise to manager and get an office - then i can sleep in there.

e) Do what I WANT to do, and let on that I'm doing what I SHOULD do, until I get found out.

Any suggestions?

===================================================================
Added, 24 hrs later:

you guys can't think of a solution eh? no worries. I know what to do liao.

As usual, the answer came from me. Not becoz i'm insightful, but becoz i'm too stubborn to listen to anyone else.

must be humble. at first. later then exhalt also can, as long as i get there.

What?

What keeps you awake at night?

a) The question of whether to compromise?

b) Or whether you can make that choice?

Chicken & Egg.

If you choose not to compromise, you don't need worry if you can make a choice anyway.

If you don't have that choice, whether to compromise or not is irrelevant.

mrbrown, I Support You!

Hence I am reproducing his "questionable" piece of work here. If you hvn't read it yet, enjoy.

S'poreans are fed, up with progress! by Mr Brown.

THINGS are certainly looking up for Singapore again. Up, up, and
away.

Household incomes are up, I read. Sure, the bottom third of our country is
actually seeing their incomes (or as one newspaper called it, "wages") shrink,
but the rest of us purportedly are making more money.

Okay, if you say so.

As sure as Superman Returns, our cost of living is also on the up. Except
we are not able to leap over high costs in a single bound.

Cost of watching World Cup is up. Price of electricity is up. Comfort's
taxi fares are going up. Oh, sorry, it was called "being revised". Even the
prata man at my coffeeshop just raised the price of his prata by 10 cents. He
was also revising his prata prices.

So Singaporeans need to try to "up" their incomes, I am sure, in the light
of our rising costs. Have you upped yours?

We are very thankful for the timing of all this good news, of course. Just
after the elections, for instance. By that I mean that getting the important
event out of the way means we can now concentrate on trying to pay our bills.

It would have been too taxing on the brain if those price increases were
announced during the election period, thereby affecting our ability to choose
wisely.

The other reason I am glad with the timing of the cost of living increases
and wages going down, is that we can now deploy our Progress Package to pay for
some of these bills.

Wait, what? You spent it all on that fancy pair of shoes on the day you saw
your money in your account? Too bad for you then.

As I break into my Progress Package reserves to see if it is enough to pay
the bills, I feel an overwhelming sense of progress. I feel like I am really
staying together with my fellow Singaporeans and moving forward.

There is even talk of future roads like underground expressways being
outsourced to private sector companies to build, so that they, in turn, levy a
toll on those of us who use these roads.

I understand the cost of building these roads is high, and the Government
is relooking the financing of these big road projects.

Silly me, I thought my road tax and COE was enough to pay for public
roads.

Maybe we can start financing all kinds of expensive projects this way in
future. We could build upgraded lifts for older HDB blocks, and charge tolls on
a per use basis.

You walk into your new lift on the first floor, and the scanner reads the
contactless cashcard chip embedded in your forehead. This chip would be part of
the recently-announced Intelligent Nation 2015 plan, you know, that initiative
to make us a smart nation?

So you, the smart contactless-cashcard-chip-enhanced Singaporean would go
into your lift, and when you get off at your floor, the lift would deduct the
toll from your chip, and you would hear a beep.

The higher you live, the more expensive the lift toll.

Now you know why I started climbing stairs for exercise, as I mentioned in
my last column. I plan to prepare for that day when I have to pay to use my
lift. God help you if some kid presses all the lift buttons in the lift, as kids
are wont to do. You will be beeping all the way to your
flat.

The same chip could be used to pay for supermarket items. You just carry
your bags of rice and groceries past the cashierless cashier counter, and the
total will be deducted from your contactless cashcard automatically.

You will not even know you just got poorer. And if your contactless
cashcard runs out of funds (making it a contactless CASHLESS cashcard), you just
cannot use paid services. The door of the lift won't close, the bus won't stop
for you, taxis will automatically display "On Call" when their chip scanners
detect you're broke.

Sure, paying bills that only seem to go up is painful, but by Jove, we are
going to make sure it is at least convenient.

No more opening your wallet and fiddling with dirty notes and coins. Just
stand there and hear your income beeped away. No fuss, no muss! I cannot wait to
be a Smart e-Singaporean.

I also found out recently that my first-born daughter's special school fees
were going up. This is because of this thing called "Means Testing", where they
test your means, then if you are not poor enough, you lose some or all of the
subsidy you've been getting for your special child's
therapy.

I think I am looking at about a $100 increase, which is a more than a 100
per cent increase, but who's counting, right? We can afford it, but we do know
many families who cannot, even those that are making more money than we are, on
paper.

But don't worry. Most of you don't have this problem. Your normal kids can
go to regular school for very low fees, and I am sure they will not introduce
means testing for your cases.

We need your gifted and talented kids to help our country do well
economically, so that our kids with special needs can get a little more therapy
to help them to walk and talk. And hey, maybe if the country does really well,
the special-needs kids will get a little more subsidy.

Like I said, progress.

High-definition televisions, a high-speed broadband wireless network,
underground expressways, and contactless cashcard system — all our signs of
progress.

I am happy for progress, of course but I would be just as happy to make
ends meet and to see my autistic first-born grow up able to talk and fend for
herself in this society when I am gone.

That is something my wife and I will pay all we can pay to see in our
lifetimes.

mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been
documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He enjoys
having yet another cashcard, in addition to his un-contactless one and the
ez-link one to add to his wallet.

taken from http://singabloodypore.blogspot.com/

Travelling Smurf

I think the best kind of travels are those that make you look forward to going home, but sad that you're leaving.

And when you come back to all that is familiar, you wonder to yourself if it was all a dream.

But it wasn't, because although it is all the same as before, things have changed. You've changed.

Maybe that's what travelling is all about.

My kind of travelling, anyway.

I know that somewhere along the way, once again, I shall leave home with a heavy heart, and return with an equally heavy one for the same reason.

Travelling Smurf & I.

I PASSED

I PASSED
I PASSED
I PASSED
I PASSED

thats all i can comprehend rite now. wanna blog on roamings but i can´t

i passed
i passed
i passed

finally i am free. damn... i shdn´t hv messed up that interview... else cutting short my trip wld be totally on my terms.

but it does not matter... i am now free. I shall be back to reality soon. but this time, its a new reality.

maybe thats wat i look for when travelling. I know the places i´m going, but exactly how it is like, I have totally no idea.

finally, time to unfurl my sails for real.

I FUCKING PASSED

I FUCKING PASSED!!! I´M A FREE MAN!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Europe: 26 May - 14 July

For updates, go to http://rockies-roamings.blogspot.com

Busy Planning Invasion

Taking advantage at a lull at work and the planning of a city finished to blog.

Things are looking up since my last, depressing entry. At least my parents hvn't kicked me out of the house, and I'm trying to hang out with them as much as I can. Later we going for lunch to celebrate brother's birthday. Yay.

Been too busy to sleep, much less blog. Although work is 4 out of every 6 days, the 3rd & 4th shifts, like now, is actually a night shift which lasts until the next day morning, so technically this is my 5th day at work out of 6 days. After every shift I'm so tired I just want to bathe and sleep, after watching 1-2 episodes of desperate housewives. 6 hrs a night is considered good. Needless to say, I'm not performing very well at work. hahah

Whatever waking time I have left goes to planning my itinerary, buying stuff I need, making errands. going to hospital and bank. And still trying to run at least once a week, which i just barely manage to fulfil.

Besides work, keeping fit, packing and planning (only planned 2 out of 5 cities assigned to me so far. I don't think I can finish before we leave.), there's campus interviews this coming tuesday and thursday. I need time to prepare and research the companies, etc. but also, I won't be around for any follow up interviews and may not be able to work for another 5 mths... so it's low priority. But still, after my disasterous last interview, I wanna redeem myself. May go still...

So, fuck everything else. It's time for another adventure. and maybe a few interviews.

Feeling

DespairGuiltDefianceDisappointmentDisdainPainFutilityAngerLoathingDisgustHatredMurderousRegretDoubtUndeserving

why

do i go

how can i go

how can i leave

when will it ever come

how long how far how come

it all

Loop

"The road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the road has gone,

And I must follow if I can..."

- Gandalf the Grey

Only I didn't forsee that the road I'm taking is actually a loop.

Now I'm right back where I started. Everything's still as I remember it, albeit a little older.

I know I went somewhere. But I don't know what good it did me.

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

"I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in
my heart. I feel... thin... sort of stretched, like... butter, scraped over
too much bread. I need a holiday... a very long holiday..."

-Bilbo Baggins

Holiday

The internet is truly wonderful; so much info. without it, i wldn't hv realised to what extent the media is controlled.

Is it me, or have the pappies become more arrogant, more tactless, and less mindful? and the hatchet is unsheathed, the knuckle duster is out once again, just waiting to meet in the cul-de-sac.

Maybe because now, there is more potential in a contender, and they're peeing in their pants. So in their panic, they fumble.

If they pull no punches, everyone will suffer from it. Pappies will hv an even worse image problem, contender will attract less candidates, and public only gets to choose lesser of 2 evils.

I do not expect the well-off, the content and the awe-struck to want to change the status-quo. it is up to the disgruntled, the oppressed and the idealists to wake up. and the not-so-apathetic will watch, while the truly-apathetic live their lives as usual.

You only see what you want to see.

"Can I get another amen? (amen)

There's a flag wrapped around a score of men.

A gag, a plastic bag on monument...

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

This is the dawning of the rest of our lives

On holiday"

- Green Day, "Holiday" from the album American Idiot

PS. yup. I saw what i wanted to see. that's y my GE prediction so off. hahah

Elections 2006

I can't help it. I wanted to refrain but I just have to. Anyway, how many ppl are going to read this before polling?

Been surfing a bit. Many, many blogs speaking out against ruling party. BUT. this may be bcoz their supporters are heeding balaji's warnings, or although we are an advanced nation, the majority do not have much to do with the internet, much less blogs. so the wave of support for opposition might not be as big as it seems.

Same for rallies. Many, many people go turn up to watch. but how many are there for the show? how many are like me, a non-voter, just there to see for themselves? knowing singaporeans, most wld hv a good laugh and play on the safe side, vote ruling party as usual.

My stand? ruling party has done a VERY good job thus far, but the way they do some things is unpalatable. like:

- HUGE, HUGE GRCs sheltering homogenous bureaucrats. shd be limited to 4 member GRCs
- tagging upgrading to votes. flats shd be upgraded according to age, not wards.
- putting down opposing contenders arrogantly. must be gentleman mah, like low thia khiang
- controlling the media so obviously that it sickens me. at least be more discreet, can?

My hope? ruling party in power with 1/3-1/4 of good opposition members. i believe a similar number in the ruling party are kinda redundant anyway. backbenchers sleeping on the back benches. at least liddat, on their toes, no time to sleep.

my guess? 2 SMCs, 1 GRC in opposition. hopefully even 3 SMCs.

today will be an exciting day. I wish all candidates all the best, esp those brave souls on the WP and SDA slates.

I Tried.

didn't u see? can't u understand that different people have different capabilities? woe is me, my strengths are heavily unrecgonised, and all everyone can see are what i can't do.

I tried. i really did. the key difference is i had confidence this time round, until i saw what those academic bastards put there. i guess understanding is not enuff. need tips. need to regurgitate what is readily available.

i cannot just sit on my hands for 6 mths just to wait for one paper. i needed to add value to myself. i wanted to feel useful. i wanted to remain sane. i guess i hv to sit for 6mths after all.

how to live with myself rotting in my room all day for months? how to stay sane with just one fucking paper in mind?

i don't want to lose myself. i don't want to lose who i am. but this system doesn't hv a place for me.

those academic bastards. i want to stab them. and again. and again. and again. think they so fucking smart? i'm take a hammer and smash their brains out, to see what they're really made of.

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to get out

i want to finally have a real life. i want to be free. i want to be me.

Happy Ending Dream

I had a happy ending dream again this morning.

I dunno where I was, seemed like a school, or some kind of sports complex.

I was escorting her to the toilet, with my arm around her back and hers around my waist. She was about half a head shorter than me, wearing a ponytail, with a DAMN SOLID figure. and we parted outside the female toilet door - i didn't really see her face, but i knew she was smiling. coz i was smiling too.

Those kind of "...and they lived happily ever after" kinda smiles.

I hate these dreams. I wake up all smiley and feeling loved and in love without knowing who the hell she is/was; i.e. for no reason at all.

And they are just that. Dreams.

Blardy Happy Ending Dreams.

Bus Encounter

3 guys board the bus and sit across the aisle from me. They start talking loudly about TVs so I hear every word of it. Not TV programmes. TVs. Sharp, Sony, Philips, Samsung.

Philips is quite good.

Sharp came up with the technology first, then Sony also used it.

Sharp still better, but not many people buy.

More buy Sony, the brand got history, like Nokia like that. Sharp no history.

I look at them. All 3 are wearing jeans, sport shoes, and neatly tucked-in polo t-shirts, with handphones sticking onto their belts just below the t-shirts, 5pm on a weekday.

Engineers.


I'd jump off a building if I'd ever become one of them.

And after finding out what a sucky engineer I am, the hiring manager would probably go to the roof and jump off too.

Of coz, I wouldn't tell him how high I'd be jumping off. Probably just high enough to break a leg and get 1 mth MC + all hospital fees paid by the company before quitting.

Many Thoughts Part 2

After a "super" of laughs, i drove some of them home. and got into a debate with one of them, which i always enjoy. but unfortunately she hates debating anything with me coz i always reject views that are contrary to mine, seemingly without wanting to understand. well... that may be true, but not always. i hope. but anyway, kinda disappointed coz she didn't like interacting with me although i like interacting with her. maybe that's why we hvn't argued for so long. hahah.

i mean, disappointing rite? eg. the person u like hanging out with doesn't like to hang out with u? but anyway, although i'm a bit affected... i don't think i'll change that much. maybe put in more effort to understand where the other person is coming from, but there won't be any radical changes. coz

a) no offense, but i only make effort to change if i realise i really do need it to be the person i wanna be.
b) if i'm such a pushover, then i'm not my own person.
c) and when i do change, it's either from my own realisation or coz of someone very, very impt to me.
d) wat's the fun in arguing when the ppl u argue with agree? hahah. arguing is fun in a way coz i get to cross intellectual swords and spar verbally. i like to do that with intelligent, thoughtful ppl. that's why during NS i always followed orders, nv argued.

but thinking of these things plus sleepiness made me run thru a red light. i'm not sure with the white streak i saw was a redlight camera. oh well... i can afford some demerits anyway... since it's already done, no point harping over it.


anyway, over these 2 days, i felt a lot of weight on my shoulders over the 4-5 issues. i had to complete them all in those 2 days, and didn't really have anyone to unburden anything to. not to discredit anyone but sometimes things just don't go the way they should if someone else reluctantly takes up the burden. in fact just recently i experienced an incident which drove home the point "if u want things done right, do it urself."

so am i such a close-minded, distrusting person who wants things his way? my defense is that i am no pushover, i am my own person, and there are some things i can do better, or choose to put in more effort, than others. and of coz there are some tasks i choose to take on so i know wat's going on, learnt from the disasterous trip to thailand in 2001.

that said, i do love my group of best frens - it felt almost like a family supper, coz we're all so close. 1 small table, 7 ppl, and 3 conversations across the table simultaneously. u gotta love that. and i appreciate those frens who have been around me, helped me with stuff, and those who i'm doing stuff for, in these 2 days. maybe that's why i choose to take up the burdens as well; so that they are not disappointed.


well i shall not be bothering about these issues much anymore... job application done, no more gatherings until after exams, just left with one more city booking. all that is left for me to do these 1 1/2 wks is to study and keep fit. and maybe ask someone out for coffee. ;-)

Many Thoughts

Just have to blog.

Past 2 days been hectic, stressful until i got inconsiderate towards my family. i know i'm horrible, but right now i have to concentrate on me... i will make amends after exams. but i hope i will have enuff time to do so.

main issues occupying the last 2 days were
a) job application
b) europe hostel bookings
c) getting myself to go for a jog
d) 2 very impt social engagements
with studying always at the back of my mind. All these pressing issues on my shoulders. maybe they don't seem overwhelming, but they are when they all hv to be done within 2 days.

job application screwed up when i overlooked an essential form. slept only at 6am last night because of that. hostel bookings involved sourcing a hostel, comparing prices of the same hostel from different sites, comparing their best price with the best price of other hostels, convincing myself i was choosing the right place. repeat procedure for another 4 countries. but all done liao, except for one city.

the last time i had a jog was a mth ago. same for the previous time too. working really saps energy out - the remaining of / subsequent day is always spent resting. and i know i really cannot stay this way if i am to go on a 49 day trip. and end of year i wanna join stanchart again. initial plan was to add 1km to my runs every month. i think i added only 500m since jan. atrocious.

luckily, got trip-mate to schedule runs with me. twice every week from after my exams to before we fly off. that's settled too. oh yes, i did make myself jog earlier this evening after all, but at the cost of being inconsiderate to my family.

social engagements dun mean just turning up. not for one of them anyway. the 1st one was at least simple enough. 2nd one (a birthday) as usual, i had to galvanise everyone up for the event. with few favourable responses, i had to rush to buy a cake and make pick up arrangements. was wondering why it is usually me who rouses everyone, that if i didn't do anything, the birthday would just pass by. most of the time, i'm usually the one who pulls us all together, always makes arrangements for us to meet up. not easy most of the time, even for a group of only 9. got a bit frustrated, a bit disappointed.

but when all of us are together, all these thoughts just vanish. i mostly remember we were laughing a lot 3-4hrs ago, but about wat i have no idea. always so fun being with them, and feel so close to them. can almost see them as family liao. maybe that's why i keep arranging gatherings, coz i don't want to lose them.

sleepy. 5am liao. last nite only slept from 6am to 10am. maybe i blog more tml. i had more to write and a point to all this, but sleep is preventing me from deciphering what it is.