Many Thoughts

Just have to blog.

Past 2 days been hectic, stressful until i got inconsiderate towards my family. i know i'm horrible, but right now i have to concentrate on me... i will make amends after exams. but i hope i will have enuff time to do so.

main issues occupying the last 2 days were
a) job application
b) europe hostel bookings
c) getting myself to go for a jog
d) 2 very impt social engagements
with studying always at the back of my mind. All these pressing issues on my shoulders. maybe they don't seem overwhelming, but they are when they all hv to be done within 2 days.

job application screwed up when i overlooked an essential form. slept only at 6am last night because of that. hostel bookings involved sourcing a hostel, comparing prices of the same hostel from different sites, comparing their best price with the best price of other hostels, convincing myself i was choosing the right place. repeat procedure for another 4 countries. but all done liao, except for one city.

the last time i had a jog was a mth ago. same for the previous time too. working really saps energy out - the remaining of / subsequent day is always spent resting. and i know i really cannot stay this way if i am to go on a 49 day trip. and end of year i wanna join stanchart again. initial plan was to add 1km to my runs every month. i think i added only 500m since jan. atrocious.

luckily, got trip-mate to schedule runs with me. twice every week from after my exams to before we fly off. that's settled too. oh yes, i did make myself jog earlier this evening after all, but at the cost of being inconsiderate to my family.

social engagements dun mean just turning up. not for one of them anyway. the 1st one was at least simple enough. 2nd one (a birthday) as usual, i had to galvanise everyone up for the event. with few favourable responses, i had to rush to buy a cake and make pick up arrangements. was wondering why it is usually me who rouses everyone, that if i didn't do anything, the birthday would just pass by. most of the time, i'm usually the one who pulls us all together, always makes arrangements for us to meet up. not easy most of the time, even for a group of only 9. got a bit frustrated, a bit disappointed.

but when all of us are together, all these thoughts just vanish. i mostly remember we were laughing a lot 3-4hrs ago, but about wat i have no idea. always so fun being with them, and feel so close to them. can almost see them as family liao. maybe that's why i keep arranging gatherings, coz i don't want to lose them.

sleepy. 5am liao. last nite only slept from 6am to 10am. maybe i blog more tml. i had more to write and a point to all this, but sleep is preventing me from deciphering what it is.

Lack of Entries

Been wanting to blog. Got ideas and thots to blog out. Especially with elections coming.

But somehow Life, in it's usual irritating fashion, manages to get in the way.

Just some quick updates:

now til 3rd May: studying for paper on 3rd May

4th - 25th May: will be working, planning and preparing for Rockie's Invasion of Europe. Plan of Attack: Hit-and-Ru(i)n

26th May to 14th Jul: Check out http://rockies-roamings.blogspot.com for updates


Those 3 sentences summarise my next 3 mths. Boring hor? hahahah... If you sian, go attend rally lor...

Funny

Funny how 8 digits can still make me forget that i hvn't had dinner, and put a silly smile on my face for 2 hours.

Out of all the possible thousand negative scenarios, i see the single positive one. That's funny too.

Happiness Is...

...finding out that the name on the Nestle Crunch you'd been eyeing in the fridge belongs to a guest who checked out 3 days ago for Australia.



As i bite into it and type this, there's some kind of guilty pleasure in it. kinda like i know it's wrong, but somehow that's why it tastes better. forbidden chocolate probably always does.



Mmmmm...... -D

Blading 2

My previous entry was warning enough.

Went blading with misa again on sunday, with disastrous results. Well ok, it would have been disastrous if I actually DID blade. But I was supposed to work the next day, so I didn't think being warded would be a fantastic idea.

It started well enough... meeting 1 of 2 of misa's frens who were blading as well, but we went to a different blade rental from last week, the one nearest to fort road. Their blades... well.. weren't suitable for me, to put it diplomatically. 1st pair were too big, my fault, so i had them changed. 2nd pair squeaked in agony when i stood up, and my legs just couldn't straighten, and i had such a hard time just reaching the track, i was a perfect match with my squeaking blades.

I had enough. i ripped them off and asked for a refund, of coz which, none was given. the uncle said an exchange for bike rental could be given instead, but i told him it was ok, coz i wasn't going back.

So i went to the blade rental i was at last week, but the earlier experience was traumatising enuff. i couldn't even stand properly, let alone move forward. and I already saw money fly off, really spoilt the eagerness. and there were just too many people zooming around. Even though I was looking fwd to blading, I just didn't feel good enuff to blade anymore.

then misa's other friend came, and tried to solve the problem of me not blading and hindering misa and fren no.1 from blading by lending me her blades. by this time almost an hour had passed and they hadn't really bladed yet, which was the scenario i hate most; me being the deadweight. so i wanted to stop and go home, and just let 3 of them have fun. but fren no.2 insisted she was tired, so... ok, i'll give it another shot.

fren no.2 also suggested blading on the pedestrian walkway since i not zai... but i thot that why its for pedestrians, isn't it? to keep hazards like me away from innocent bystanders.

so i put the blades and safety gear on. then fren no.2 casually mentioned that beginners might find her blades tricky coz the wheels are so smooth, literally no friction, she remarked proudly. Well thank you so much there, fren no.2. I'm sure you will appear pretty often when my life flashes before my eyes.

so i gingerly stood up with the help of a railing, and stumbled to the track, almost falling once every metre. joined the lane, immediately came wheel-to-hump, and stopped dead in my tracks. i couldn't get enuff FRICTION to push myself up and over. then wat could've happened miraculously didn't.

a swarm of bladers behind started to stream around me. those on the right cut into the oncoming lane, where 2-3 bicycles and 3-4 bladers reached me just about the same time. they swerved and siam-ed, and wonder of wonders, no one fell and broke an elbow. I nearly caused an accident. confirm, chop + guarantee road hazard. I was a lady driver on blades.

so i decided enough was enuff. i was slowing my fren and her fren down, and likely to be sent to hospital, and maybe send someone with me. so i ripped off the blades again and gave fren no.2's blades to fren no.1.

so i decided to be nice to fren no.2, who had been so nice by lending me her blades, and go accompany her by the beach somewhere. maybe make some polite conversation, which i did with fren no.1. but no, there was no chance. fren no.2 apparently wanted to be by herself, so although she graciously relented to my request to join her, that was the only semblence of conversation we had. she amused herself with her hp, i with mine. i noticed that she turned slightly away from me, and appeared to be in deep thought.

well maybe she was waiting for me to say something, but seriously, me? everyone knows i suck at meeting strange new ppl. can never think of anything intelligent to say. so probably after 5-10 mins (hey it felt longer kae!) of the suspense, seeing that i made for such mind-blowing company, i took my leave on grounds that i wanted to look for my parents. the vibes i was getting from fren no.2 weren't exactly welcoming anyway, with her parting shot "you're not coming back right?" being so sweet. but i guess i can't blame her. i also wouldn't talk to anyone who crushed my blades with their weight-of-too-many-suppers and refused to listen to my repeated advice on blading on pedestrian walkways.

Dad & Mum WERE somewhere around, and we had met earlier, thankfully NOT when i was blading. after getting to them, 3 of us getting amused by loud scoldings by an indian lady to her young son, misa called and summoned my return to join them for dinner. thankfully she hadn't realised that dinner would be more fun without me.

After dinner we parted, and i went to look for mum and dad at marine parade, and we went shopping for groceries. Kinda boring, but somehow rather fun. Rephrase: it wasn't exciting, but it was comfortable.

So fortunately, for her that is, misa won't be free on subsequent saturdays and i have refused to blade on crowded sundays. i guess ally will have to suffer my company from now on. wish him luck, everyone.

Blading

If you were among the lucky 61% of the 35,834 ppl at ECP today who happened to see a guy in sweat-soaked brown t-shirt and grey berms, with legs trying helplessly to keep upright on blades, and arms flailing about like he was being attacked by a horde of bees, terrorising other bladers and cyclists, then congratulations; you have bear witness to Embarassing Moments of My Life #267: Blading for the 2nd Time. If u thot I did well going forward, all i was actually doing was stumbling one foot in front of the other to keep my face away from the road.

Well at least comparing the distance covered, i had proportionally less falls than the 1st time i attempt blading 3 yrs ago... which caught me on my back at least 7 times... and i was so traumatised i didn't turn up for the 2nd day of the course. hahah...

i fell badly only 3 times:
1) going down a hump
2) getting viciously rammed by misa
3) going over hardened, smooth, dry mud which i thot was still squishy

other times i held the road away with my hands and crawled hands and knees to
a) the nearest grass patch or
b) until i could get myself upright again

at least the blading started pleasantly enuff: i dunno how misa convinced me to put on the blades and start trying, but once i did, it was fun!! barring the embarassing jerky limb movements. only thing is, the only place that got tanned was probably the back of my neck, since i spent most of the time using eye power to keep the road stable...

and on the way back... had a pleasant yet embarassing surprise. intrigued by my laughable attempts at making way, zo caught up from behind and turned around.. and confirmed her terrible suspicions: the blading buffoon was me!! heng i kena unwanted hp call... so can act busy so that she didn't manage to ask any difficult questions. hahahah

but trouble started on the way back as well... calves, thighs, and lower back started aching like crazy... not used to (my) blading posture i guess... then slowed down misa's getting back... think the distance she went back and forth while waiting for me was probably made up half her total... hahahah really paiseh abt making her and her relatives wait... and didn't feel comfortable being the odd one out. and also most imptly, i had to be at work again in 2hrs.

so stinky and tired, and finally free of those treacherous blades, i stumbled/dragged myself back home with a big gulp to keep me company. usually to me $1.70 for water wld be extravagant, in this instance it was absolutely necessary.

but overall, it was really fun, and i've been meaning to learn blading anyway. so i'll be looking fwd til the next time, if misa ever dares to blade w me again. ;)

and if any of u readers want a free clown act, jio me for blading.

PS: funniest part of the day - not by me, but misa's sleepy mumblings on the phone... *impossible to put it down in alphabet* hahahah watever little image there was, gone liao lah!!

Acherly I Think Be Contractor Oso Quite Goot Lah

Currently Playing : Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Acherly hor, i tink i heck care my useless Chinaman Technicians' University degree and become contractor... oso quite goot lah.

Becoz why? becoz nowsaday hor, just walk-walk abit from M-R-le-T, i will pass by THREE construction sites leh! 1 at the M-R-le-T station itself, they dunno building wat. then across the road in under HBD block, they hacking up old but still can use walkway... i mean, walkway as long as no big big lobang, no earthquake, peepur can walk, can liao mah! so the bad thing is peepur dunno the cemen wet, then step step... now the walkway kena sai lor!

then walk somemore, another 5 min, got empty field kena dig up, flattened, and they leave one square square lobang, at first i thot why swimming pool so small? put koi let old peepur feed ah? then one day i pass by, i saw one those type of plastic plastic prayground cha down there with sand... so orh.... it's prayground and park lah. even got those ah pek stone benches around... only thing no grass only.

then ah pek stone benches are just purfect for writing poems or leaving numbers on them... good to play cander also!! wat wat cander? tsk, cander lah! u know the one... on top got fire cha the cake sing happie birthday one... cander lah!!

yah lor... see now contractor business so good... think i fark care engineer, become contractor! i plan liao! 1st 2 yr i work as kah kia lah, like the bhangera and thai... whole day just hold the stop-go sign by the road... so senang! then next 2 yr get promotion become supervisor, jaga how they work, learn wat to do. then by the 5th yr, can set up my own business liao!!

5 yrs goot leh... coz i notice hor, every 5 yr got construction business boom one. u see the 5th yr, the old old ah pek flat, hwa, suddenly got estra lift one leh! then suddenly got roof from bus stop to HBD block one! new praygrounds... new ah pek bench... so i will be just in time for the boom lor!

then hor, during the 5th yr, also got a lot of Meet The Rite Peepur sessions. goot lah... i heard hor, always got this guy, wear white shirt white pants, give contractor a lot of work during the boom. maybe he is a Rite Person lah, so can go meet him, give name card, get his business.

think that time can work until tan chia for another 4 yrs ah!! can stay home shake leg liao!! then when no more money, then the 5th yr come out again, go Meet The Rite Peepur. work 1 yr rest 4 yr ah!! so shiok, who do'wan?

yah.... i think be contractor, oso quite goot lah.

Slingshots

Uncle farkers who use slingshots to shoot down colugos and other small wild animals shd be tied to trees by their limbs, 5m above ground, and subjected to slingshot attacks carried out by indignant nature lovers.

All 52,918 of us.
(estimated number)

Poor Gary Goh!

Currently Playing: Holiday by Green Day

On the previous Monday. 2nd yr MPE student from NTU Gary Goh sent a mass email to 8,000 students about wanting to form a committee to deal with problems he felt that were plaguing the university, which the staff of NTU do nothing about, and to supplement the almost useless students' union.

This, in the wake of full-page advertisements in newspapers encouraging "A" level sch leavers to join NTU with positive, albeit ambiguous statements like "I can enrich the world with my creativity", "I can change the world with innovation" and "I can bring the world to speed" fronted by smiling, good looking young ppl in lab coats and business suits. (i must add that to their credit, they found a really chio female model)


On Thursday, 23 March, TNP ran "Protest at NTU? What for? - Most students ignore undergrad's call to fight for their rights". It started with

"His lone call for students to get together and "fight" for their "rights" looks
doomed to fail"

and ended with a student saying

"Singaporean students will not bother and foreign students are too busy
studying. We are all apathetic."

which kinda summarises the dismissive, even scornful tone of the article at Goh's actions. Students were quoted as saying Goh was "brash, like he was ranting", "trying to hide behind the computer screen" and "The way... is rude and wrong".


On the same day, ST ran the more objective "Foreign lecturers' English riles NTU student". ST actually put in enough effort to track down and interview Goh himself, with quotes from 2 students who agree with him, and 2 students who don't. for good measure, the president of the students' union was reported to have said something to the gist of

"...acknowledged that there have been complaints. But it was not true that
nothing had been done to address the issue. The union met the administration
last month and was assured that the matter would be looked into."

hmm. where have i heard that before, again and again?

but still, the article ends with someone from the union saying that the Speak Good English Problem "...has become a non-existent issue. It even helps when I go overseas on attachment programmes to multinational firms." So it helps that students have experience not understanding foreign accents?


In response, a vice-dean from NTU wrote a letter to ST Forum published on Saturday, 25 March, "Constant tabs kept on language proficiency" which I summarise below:

1st paragraph: NTU embraces a globalised world, and has multi-culturalism and has a multi-linguistic environment.

2nd paragraph: Students should go thru "chain of command" when complaining. (sound familiar, guys?)

3rd paragraph: there is also a white elephant tramping around campus named "students' union", which "...was already working with the university administration on ways to improve the situation." (there's that statement again! always a work-in-progress. so is he admitting the situation needs improving?)

4th & 5th paragraph: how lecturers are hired, eg. interviews, presentations, peer feedback, assessments, orientation blah blah blah

6th paragraph: students do nominate foreigners for "best teacher awards"

7th paragraph: there are measures in place to monitor the spoken english and presentation skills of staff.

8th paragraph: what some of these measures are

9th paragraph: "Finally, the matter should not be blown out of proportion as most lecturers are fine. For the small number who need assistance, there are faculty development programmes."


So, let me summarise:

1) Gary Goh is moved to action, and he calls on other idealistic fellow-students to come together and change the environment for the better. He does not hide behind the computer screen, as his name and contact number are found in the email. Now his photo is on ST as well.

2) Newspapers follow up. One tries to be objective, another mocks his efforts.

3) As always, the students' union jumps in and says they knew abt the problem and are currently in talks with the administration in dealing with the matter. Of coz, they will be in talks until the whole thing blows over. perfect example of NATO.

4) Meanwhile, Goh gets some supporters, some detractors, and many, many others who talk about it but take a wait-and-see approach. (NATO again!)

5) The administration, responses with a perfect TYS model answer letter:
a) give the larger picture in positive light
b) mention procedures that are in place
c) give assurance that complainants do have a say in things
d) acknowledge that there MAY be some situations which are not up to par, but there ARE measures in place, and anyway, whatever problems there may be, they are small compared to the vast majority who are hardworking/talented/doing a good job/etc.
e) ask everyone involved to go past the issue and "move on" (hahah ok i added that myself)


The state of affairs seems to be that if there is a problem, let those higher up the ivory tower know, they will deal with it eventually, or sit on it until the problem goes away. If you do bring it out to public, you will be ridiculed by the media and we, high on the ivory tower, will say "look at the big picture! this little runt is just making a mountain of a molehill".

So now u know why so difficult for opposition to get good candidates for GE all these years? Coz those higher up always stifle dissenting voices. So much so that there are those who have become adverse to dissenting voices, that have the mindset that those above are always right. There are also those who watch these episodes unfurl and tell themselves to conform, and stay out of trouble. And of coz there are those so intent on living out their silly little lives that they pay no attention to the comings and goings outside their hobbitons.

Such are Singapore's instituitions of higher learning.

===================================================================

On a related note: during the Speak Good English Campaign some years back, then PM Goh sent Phua Chu Kang for BEST English Lessons. so shdn't NTU follow the example, and get the dean to send those lecturers who need it for BEST English Lessons as well? Or does the Speak Good English Campaign only apply to native Singaporeans and our native Singlish? An extension of the Foreign Talent (ie. Foreign? must be Talent!) Scheme

Why, oh why do we always belittle what little heritage, what little naturally-evolved cultural practices we have? Must our natural-born flavours always be hidden behind hideous, manufactured, meaningless hybrids like the Merlion?

===================================================================

Personal Thots: Gary Goh has my respect for trying to change things for the better. Idealistic, perhaps... but at least he has enough drive to be moved into action. I hope he does eventually make things better, and can take personal pride in it. At the very least, I hope his flame does not get extinguished by the drowning of official voices.

Gary, if I would have joined you, had I more time in NTU. I wish you all the best.

Watch Out, Europe!

Currently Playing: Holiday by Green Day

well the song doesn't exactly fit... if u know wat's the song abt. i like it so much, i might post the lyrics up at a good time.

i tokked abt going to NZ last yr, but it didn't happen. so when i tokked abt going europe this yr, i was thinking maybe it wldn't happen too. maybe bird flu wld get worse and i wld go NZ after all, finally another solo again. then the fren i'm going with also started to hv doubts...

so it wasn't really until i was in natas this afternoon, hammering out the flight itinerary with a very harried STA staff who had to cope with our many changes and constant enquiries from his colleagues, when it hit me. soon after he handed me a piece of paper which i summarise below:

26 May Fri
SINGAPORE-BANGKOK TG402

BANGKOK-FRANKFURT TG922

13 Jul Thu
FRANKFURT-BANGKOK TG921

14 Jul Fri
BANGKOK-SINGAPORE TG403

then it hit me just like when u accidentally bite into a previously undiscovered tiny piece of chilli padi amongst ur beehoon soup. (i.e. "!!!!!!!!!!")

I'M GOING TO EUROPE!! WOOHOO!!!

thereafter, i was thoroughly drowning in that adrenaline and excitement only an upcoming adventure can bring. rushing from place to place at top walking speed, sending sms-es furiously. making urgent, urgent calls to check on the status of dinner at home. i was high.

yup, I'M GOING TO EUROPE!! WOOHOO!!!

another adventure coming up. :) i can't wait.

Some Memories Never Die

Somehow this date never gets forgotten. When it comes along, so do plenty of memories. but feelings, mostly.

And another year passes by. sigh.

Time Runs

Currently Playing: Did You Get My Message by Jason Mraz

Quite a while nv blog. and actually got deep stuff to say, but been tired lately.

Working really saps ur time and energy... before i know it, a week has gone. frankly, i was quite shocked that it was 20something march liao... even though i see the date everyday at work. didn't i JUST come back from sipadan on march 6??

i guess time passes really fast at work coz there's always so much multi-tasking to be done... even the sleepy no-one-around parts pass rather quickly compared to in sch.

then when i reach home, all i wanna do is stone in front of the tv/computer and then go sleep.

on my off days, i also just nuah and don't do as much as i wanna. except meet up with frens... hahah. but bo pian, coz i work so odd hrs, can't meet anyone for dinner if i'm working that day.

but i still very much prefer work to sch... at least work is fun! in fact i look fwd to mondays more than thursdays and fridays now... usually a wkend and/or monday i gotta work... but thurs and fri confirm gotta go sch... sianz. tml is a fridae... dreading 3-hr-long lessons with lecturer with shiny bald head.

so... working got good got bad. i wanted something productive and fun to do with my time, but now that i got what i wanted, time no enuff. energy also no enuff. no juice to write abt the ntu mass email to protest and more observations abt the upcoming GE. hopefully i got energy to write abt them tml...


anyway. cleaned the hamster cages todae... since i started working i still feed them and make sure they got enuff water, but dun really play with them anymore.

so i realised that ah pui and ah ger are getting old... ah pui no longer pui... looking a little gaunt as compared to his fat-until-cannot-turn-over-when-on-his-back days... ah ger no longer goes crazy and climbs the cage ceiling when food comes. ah pui no longer likes to be picked up, ah ger doesn't seem to mind anymore. but their characters still shine thru. ah ger still scampers ard investigating a new place, ah pui tries to clamber back into his familiar cage and drags his lower body ard.

so i lowered ah ger's 2nd floor of the cage... make it easier for her to climb up. hamster population aging, also must hv upgrading to be elderly-friendly mah... haahhaha

Rockie's Lesson of the Week

If it's too good to be true, then it most probably is.

Same People, Different Topics

Currently Playing: Everybody's Changing by Keane

this afternoon i sat down with 7 other odackies to tok cock and catch up... something i hvn't done in a while.

but it was SO WEIRD. everyone was talking abt jobs. well, the usual cock was still there... but the topic was so different compared to those talk cock sessions we used to have... abt odac... abt past scandals... abt gossip... abt ppl's backs... hahahah

but it was akin to these same ppl talking in a different language... just that i could still understand them. it was that kind of weird.

and the world continues to turn...


*damn tired after 2 consecutive night shifts and early sch tml. gotta sleep.

Me Doing Night Shift Is A Bad Business Decision

why?

coz i'm into my 2nd cup of thick milo and polishing off half a roll of ritz, after a kopi-kau and a kitkat. tml for breakfast i'll be having cereal and kopi-kau. that can of coke looks tempting too... too bad the pringles are running low... else wld hv opened one liao.

the "policy" here is staff can help themselves to whatever food they want. the office has old, old food but this includes stuff that are on sale as well. of coz i try to take not-for-sale food, but sometimes they just can't suffice. like my chocolate craving rite now... or just wanting to feel little coke bubbles popping away on ur tongue.

i shdn't have talked abt all that. arghz...

on a more scary note: getting even more fat and still unfit. hvn't jogged since Episode: Dengue. will start again this wk. latest by friday.

Posts About The Sipadan Diving Trip...

...can be found at http://rockies-roamings.blogspot.com

they're backdated... the dates shown will be the actual date i mean to record down about.

will fill it up as and when i have time.

On The Fringe

Short Post to balance things out.

I realise right now i'm kinda on the fringes of sterile singapore society.

I'm still studying at 25, taking 5 yrs for a "normally" 4 yr course.

I don't have a "normal" 9-to-5 job. in fact my job can be considered 9-to-9.

I go to work in berms and t-shirt.

My job involves smiling at and chatting with chio ang mohs everyday.

I am paid a hideously low salary for a wld-be graduate.

I actually like my job and look forward to each work day.

I go to school in berms and t-shirt.

I'm the guy tapping my feet and nodding my head (slightly) to music on the mrt while everyone else has earphones that seem to be on "mute"

I carry an MMS-incapable phone.

I've never had a gf. (yes... u knew this was going to come out... hahah)

ppl might think i'm bumming ard... but i believe i am doing stuff... just that it seems more fun
than others'.

I'm a minority's minority!! and i actually like it!! (after all, i'm a nonconformist)

Electoral Issues

Read the previous Sunday Times (5th March) at work this morning. (Early mornings are usually slow.) 2 issues caught my eye - The Agu Casmir Saga (to date) and The Mysterious Disappearance of Bukit Timah and Ayer Rajah

The Agu Casmir Saga

For those who find Singapore Soccer absolutely boring, be heartened to know that lately it is not. From the (In)famous Foreign Talent Scheme by Singapore Sports Council, Nigerian-born forward Agu Casmir, after given citizenship for/to play in Singapore colours in the 2003 SEA games, and helping the national team reach the 2004 Tiger Cup Final, has a disappointing 2005. Dropped from the national team for Asian Cup this year, he disappears for a month with US$20,000 he got with a contract with an Indonesian club.

He returns to Singapore on Feb 24 without the money (obviously). On Mar 6 he joins local club Woodlands for a monthly salary of $4,000 per mth, which is supposedly "below his market value". The club also says it will pay back the missing US$20,000, deducted from his salary, while FAS bans him from the national team for a year (that's 12 mths!!!) and fines him S$20,000. (there's a "U" missing here) Says he has tarnished the name of Singapore Soccer (if there was such a thing in the first place)

In other unrelated soccer news, national coach Raddy Angmohvich (dunno wat his name is lah) sacked Local-born Midfielder Goh Tat Chuan for leaving a local hotel, where the national team was staying for practices, to visit his sick wife at home, albeit informing anyone.

Now fans are up in arms over the little flick on the wrist (a la melvyn tan) for Agu Casmir asking why such a disgrace and obviously disloyal person is welcomed with opened arms and lots of money. (come on, how many locals get $4,000 a mth on a decent job, let alone for kicking a ball around?) In the same edition, ST Sports Editor Tay Cheng Khoon mulled about the discrepancy in punishments between the two issues (although i think having someone else pay off an external debt, plus being given a job, hardly qualifies as a punishment).

Wat i see here is the everyman's nightmare of what could happen with the gahmen's own Foreign Talent Scheme. Talented youngsters from other countries are enticed to study and grow here with perks such as HEAVILY subsidised education and meritocracy (stuff they can nv get at home), with a sort of loose contract making them work here for a couple of years after getting quality education. All in the hope of these ppl feeling bonded with Sg and staying to boost our talent pool.

but apparently it does not work all the time. Newspapers interviewed some of these "foreign talent", and they say they feel nothing for this place, they feel alienated and will leave here as soon as they graduate. they can give the excuse that they are going home for a visit, and never come back. and the gahmen can only suck thumb and slap an entry ban on them (like they wanna come back liddat)

alienated, they say? so are we locals supposed to adapt to foreign cultures everytime an influx of them comes in? shdn't they be the ones who adapt to our culture? and i must add some of their social habits are just horrendous. those who know me know wat i'm talking abt. You can't blame the gahmen for trying, but i think they need to come up with something better, something more binding. like a monetary bond... maybe give 50% of their pay or return a damn big study deposit only after they work off the few years. and i think giving foreigners heavily subsidised education just cheapens sg citizenship, just like agu casmir. at least melvyn tan learnt that National Education lesson.

This is just about students and fresh grads. what abt expats? we know they are paid obscene amts of money and a subsidised condo with company car. and yes we could get that overseas too. but the question is about fairness in reward and punishment. are the scales really balanced when it comes to locals vs foreigners? of coz since they are uprooted from home i have no qualms with them getting slightly more pay, but are equally qualified locals being looked over just coz the boss wants more angmohs for a "cosmopolitan" look? wasn't it just recently some angmoh junkies jumped bail over that "high" cocaine drug bust?

it is not a Uniquely Singapore problem. many countries are also concerned abt protecting the rights of locals over foreigners, and immigrants, legal or otherwise. but a good gahmen needs to assure its ppl that local interests come first, coz they are the ones who make up the nation, not nigerians who disappear for a month-long paid-for holiday. with elections coming, all the more this needs to be addressed.

The Mysterious Disappearance of Bukit Timah and Ayer Rajah

speaking of elections, remember last elections? when GRCs and SMCs were freshly hacked up and carved out for the 2001 elections, the (potential) opposition was up-in-arms abt the Electoral Boundaries Review Committee not being impartial, being just an extension of the gahmen, conveniently shaping electoral boundaries to suit gahmen fancy. both the committee and gahmen said it was not true, of coz.

then last month, the senior members of gahmen and PAP mentioned that old faces wld be making way for new ones. speculation was rife abt whether popular, vocal, long-time backbenchers like Dr. Wang Kai Yuen and Dr. Tan Cheng Bock wld be leaving parliament. It would be a loss for the nation.

On Saturday, the electoral boundaries are released to the media and population. surprise, surprise, the SMCs of Bukit Timah and Ayer Rajah have disappeared!! they have been "replaced" by the NEW SMCs of Bukit Panjang and Yio Chu Kang. hmm... that's a coincidence. The impartial Electoral Boundaries Review Committee wiped off both the single seats of Dr Wang and Dr. Tan off the electoral map, not long after speculation that they would step down!! if i didn't know any better abt the absolute independence of the EBRC, i would have thot they had taken into account a political party's decision to step down 2 veterans, and tweaked their own decision to match it!!

Let's see if Dr. Wang and Dr. Tan are really stepping down. If they do, it won't prove anything, but wld sure raise many, many questions. Of coz, the 2 veterans will be missed.

Back From Paradise

Currently Playing: Polaris by Zero7

I'm back. After living on a disused oil rig, constantly cooled by fresh sea breezes, baked by a sun in cloudless skies, witnessing sunrises and sunsets over a flat, shimmering horizon.

After being under 30m of crystal seawater everyday, had manta rays and reef sharks swim by me, being as close as I dared to a resting reef shark, stroked so many turtles and swim next to so many more.

After getting up REAL close to weird and wonderful sea-creatures like nudibranches, lionfish, frogfish, stonefish, pipefish, flutemouths and trumpetfish. After unknowingly kneeling on the sharp spikes of a sea urchin, holding on as gingerly as i could with 2 bare fingers on unknown corals, creeping on sandbeds on my elbows, slapping fellow divers with my fins in the process, just to get that (not-so) perfect shot.

I'm back, yet i can still feel the rocking motion of the sea even as i type this. but was i really there? i'm back in the real world so fast, it seemed like a dream. i have the photos and the memories and the scars with me... but somehow it seems so unreal. and now i'm back as if i never left.

maybe its coz i've gotten to used to being overseas for long periods after the YEP. maybe the run up to this trip was too rushed... i only had like 2 wks after confirmation, and hardly enuff time to prepare with dengue happening, work starting and quiz coming. or maybe i just wasn't enjoying myself as much as i shd hv been.

it wasn't a wasted trip... i can't bring myself to call a $900+++ dive trip a wasted one... haahahh. but i SHOULD HAVE prepared myself more. it wasn't spoiled. but wat didn't make it a wonderful one was a question of fit. Me not being fit, and me not fitting in.

the first issue is simple enuff. after getting dengue and just being plain lazy, i didn't get my strength and stamina back. i was sucking air like it was coconut juice coz i was struggling physically underwater, and mentally being under so much water. not diving for 1 1/4 yrs is not a good idea, being constantly under 30m of water after that is worse.

so more often than not, i wld be the 1st to surface, and the singaporean in me wld be thinking crap... pay the same amt but less water time. and worse still when the rest wld surface later and start ranting abt the amazing stuff they saw at the end - which was wat i missed. either that, or start ranting abt the rare little sea creatures they spotted/encountered, which i either failed to recognise, didn't spot, or just plain forgot that i saw it.

but in everything, there is a good, as well as bad side. "abandoning" my dive buddy and the rest in almost every dive gave me some "solo dive" time. sometimes i hovered above them and followed until i totally ran out of air, but sometimes i went up and over the reef on a totally different tack. maybe i didn't see as much as them; maybe i saw different things, but wat i really liked was that sense of being alone, being independent, being able to explore by myself, on wat little air i had. more explanation on that in later posts.

me not fitting in... now that was a slightly more tricky one. besides the ranting they did abt the creatures they saw and i missed, there was the dynamics of the group that made things a little weird for me. to being with, I went with X, whom i had an attempted and tangled history with. (ie. i attempted to have some history with her, and we have many links in different groups) along with her was her new found regular dive guy pal, W, and his gal pal, M.

W is kinda like a nice-guy beng, complete with smokes and crude jokes, but he's generally ok, with a passion for diving that's on the verge of irritating. he knows every damn creature there is in surrounding waters, even sketching them out in his log book, clocking dives like no one's business, and bringing an underwater camera like mine, with some photos that even rival mine. darn it.

M is ok as well... a bit direct, which i don't have a problem with, but initially kinda "discreetly" patronising. but as time went by we got along quite well. There were still kinda some unsettled issues with X... so the atmosphere was kinda thick sometimes. and both girls seem more comfortable with W, or maybe he knows how to talk on their frequency, so quite a few times i was the odd man out. never a guy who wants to force his way in a grp, i sometimes wandered off to explore with my camera, stayed soaking on the beach or just stayed silent while they played with W's camera, or chatted away abt ppl i didn't know.

but in fairness, of coz they didn't isolate me. W was always good guy company and a nice roommate to have, while M wld get me to join in when she saw i was standing aside. maybe she knows/found out abt the unfinished issues as well. as for X... well i don't think there's much to build upon liao. she's a great girl... independent, fun-loving, adventurous, funny, and pretty. but i guess she doesn't really think i suit her, and i also probably need someone who can handle me better during my apprehensive moods.

ok. end of griping. these are all just the darker issues i needed to get off my chest. the good stuff, the fun times and the marvelous creatures coming up in next posts.



in reference to my previous post... being the most inexperienced diver in the group... sometimes i dunno if wat i'm doing (which i think is best) agrees with the more experienced rest. and due to my massive air consumption, i surfaced earlier even though i try to maximise my air, ie. starting to ascend only in the red zone of my pressure gauge, surfacing with sometimes only 10 bar out of 200. risky behaviour, i know. but i wanted to stretch the $900+++!!! after all, i had forgone one dive to rest and sleep...

How Do You Know?

How do you know if wat seems like the right thing to do at that time really is the right thing?

How do you know if the person who u're trying to help actually knows better?

How do you know when it's your limit physiologically?

How do you know when it's your absolute limit?

How do you know before you cross that imaginary one-way membrane, that point of no return?

Pushing the limits to seize the moment sounds foolish, but how do you know when it's actually the limit? maybe what you're capable of more than wat u think.

But maybe not.



I'm the most inexperienced, and very unfit, sometimes, in more ways than one. I need to push myself to exercise, and get more avenues to dive. to quote zz, it's like golf, u need to be fit to play, not play to be fit. else you wun enjoy it.

Short Post

Got peepur complain... oops sorrie... FEEDBACK that i write very long entries... and coz i value everyone in my audience, this entry is just for u!!

tml going diving.

packing took quite a while, cldn't find some stuff.

before that still went to sch for quiz, accidentally met a buddy for late lunch.

and met vj for dinner and a long chat to catch up on the last 2 mths in which i was too busy for him.

need to sleep! it's late.

so i cannot deliver the promise of "Tales of Work & Weirdos" today. So sorrie everyone. I'll either make it up by posting good entries and yes, for the 1st time, photos! but if i'm too lazy to do that i'll just post "Tales of Work & Weirdos" later instead.

i think my mp3 player spoil... and on the eve of a trip when i just loaded the monstrous amt of songs i wanted to bring along also. maybe that was it which did it in.

sianzed.

Responding to Orangie's Blog

well... i dun hv anything against faggots if they leave everyone else alone and quietly live out their lives and then be condemned to eternal hell... i just ridicule them behind their backs. in front of them i'm rather civil. really.

but wat i don't like is that for a minority, their voice does not match their numbers. many of these g(u/a)ys are creative ppl. they are able to use media to spread their ideas that it's alrite to hump someone else's ass, it's alrite to come out of the closet, oh btw, we're being discriminated against, so please stand up for us, even if u're straight. we'll find some way to convert u if u hv a tight ass.

so everyone's now up in arms abt gay rights, and their faggoty voices are trying to drown out other minority voices. enuff abt blacks in US, enuff of jews everywhere in the world, wat abt immigrant chinese in US or EU? wat abt innocent muslims in US and EU? wat abt those with sub-normal intelligence? disabled? how many movies/celebrities/reality shows feature those, as compared to faggots? now, every survivor, amazing race, apprentice, modern "dramedy", has a mandatory gay participant/team. Project runway has more than its fair share. at most, only Sue-ann and another chinese guy has been on survivor, and currently a half-japanese looking bruce. there has been NO chinese team on amazing race, and only one Ivana Ma on the apprentice. so are there more gays than east-asian people in the US?

so normal impressionable teenagers, not thinking too much, watch these programmes and movies and think, actually, there seems to be many gays around. it seems acceptable to be gay, even cool (notice how many guys wear PINK nowadays). let's face it. ppl dun think too much when they wanna try to fit in, or stand out. so they start thinking, hey that seems cool. let's go hump someone's ass!! and before u know it, we have a whole nation of single women all becoming SPGs coz the local teenage guys are humping each other.

and for a small nation like ours, it's bad news!! no local born babies from normal relationships means no soldiers for SAF, no workers for economy, no scholars for gahmen service. and to escape all these, the half-ang-moh kids of local SPGs will pester their angmoh dads to bring them back to their redneck hometowns, or at least pay for expensive overseas piano lessons.

we're already seeing so many "foreign talent" filling up the gaps in the lower end of society: cleaners, fast food workers, street walkers, construction workers. and currently birth rates are already dropping. if more and more locals start turning gay, 50yrs down the road we might as well give the whole country to them.

then u'll see foreign talent taking over the higher rungs or society, while locals fill up the lower ones. why? coz all the local women are now rich tai tais living off their rich expat angmoh husbands while their darling chapcheng sons and daughters are studying for degrees in US and Oz or taking piano lessons in UK, and the local men have all been sacked from their jobs. how do i know? coz i watched brokeback mountain yesterday too. leave 2 or more faggots to do a job, they'll drop everything and hump, letting the sheep run loose all over the place.

so that's y gahmen is pushing the local faggot scene down so hard. coz they know wat havoc they hv caused in the western countries. and as a small country we cannot afford that. it wld hv more of our conservative, traditional, older generation keeling over with heart attacks as well, and damage our "average lifespan" rating. i understand wat the gahmen is doing, and like it. they know they can't shut them off totally, but SM Goh warned them before - dun go too far. i think that's probably why oral and anal sex without normal copulation is an offense: if the gay community goes too far, ALL of them can be locked away.

unfair u say? unnatural sex act unfair? ISA unfair? GRCs unfair? well... when u're in power, u'll want to stay there too rite? and u HAVE the power to make sure u stay there. U want to change things? u want a gay nation with gay cabinet? with terrorists running around freely coz they can only be caught AFTER they've killed hundreds of innocents? with MPs turning up for parliament in slippers? then go ahead and stand for election on the current rules lor.

i said before that i wld like to see more opposition in parliament. i still stand by that, even though i really really like wat the gahmen is doing now, except for some minor details. for the big picture, they're doing really well. wat i wld like to see is more CREDIBLE ppl not toeing the party line and bringing up issues which might hv been swept under the carpet. more Chiam See Tongs and Low Thia Khiangs. more Steve Chias are also ok, provided they keep their clothes on.

i think i've digressed. where was I? anyway, my stand abt faggots is as long as they dun bother me, i can still be civil in front of them. but they shd not hv a louder voice just because they wear shocking pink.

So Many Words, So Little Time

Currently Playing: All Rise by Blue

No time, but so much to record and relate.

first of all, why no time? coz
1) Bad News: Tues got fluids quiz, only read thru 1/2 the notes. Tml (mon) need to finish the notes and 3 tutorials. Tall order, so shd sleep early, considering i was consecutive nite shift for 2 nites liao.

2) Good News: Wed - Next Mon (1-6 Mar) I going Diving at Sipadan!! Woohoo!! expensive lah, i spending more than my whole mth's pay on it... but i guess its a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Shh... dun tell my parents k... they'll freak out if they know i going to the 2000 Abu Sayyaf kidnapping venue... i just told them a vague "Malaysia"... when probed further a still-vague "Sabah".

So, hope u guys, my Dear Readers, dun miss me too much. will hv long entries when i'm back to counter your withdrawals!!

Let me just record a rough list of wat i shd relate before i go diving.
Next Entry: "Tales of Work & Weirdos"

- The 2 Americans Who Hate Bush
- The Filipino Family
- The Old Man Who Couldn't Sleep
- The Faggots
- The Dubious Chinawoman
- The 5.30am Phone Call
- The Friendly Old German
- The Japanese Lady With Toilet Trouble
- The Walk-Ins: What A Difference A Day Makes
- The Cute Colleague

must... resist... on the 1st nite, in entered.... the urge... to elaborate... a non-guest who wanted to use..... now.... must click.... the orange button lablerd... arghz... the internet computers, so.... labelled... "Publish Post".... *click*

Go Ahead, Tell Me What You REALLY Think

Just for fun:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Rockie

Even more funner:
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=EvilRockie

Go ahead. I can take it. Quick, before i turn evil and hunt u down. hahahaha

Fulfilling Day (Be Warned: Long)

I hv been supposedly awake for the past 20 hrs with the help of only 2 cups of coffee, not counting the exhausted micro-naps on the bus. my knees are screaming out bloody murder for making them lug 50-60kg of meat and bone all over sg. but it was all worth it.

Started with last nite at work. now i fully understand wat lady boss say by "if no one come, means no one come. but when one come, all will come". referring to guest enquires/payments/checkins/checkouts/etc of coz.

so my shift from 8pm to midnite flew by pretty fast. was kinda surprised when it was time to close up. after boss left, and came back and left again, i raided the "expired or not-for-sale food" box for munching while reading www.threekingdoms.com. suffered un-crispy seaweed, gross looking/tasting cake given by "grateful" guest, finally settled on loose bak hu and thick, thick milo. anything else repulsive which was nibbled at does not count.

tried to sleep start 230am... but hard metal bars under mattress + doorbell ringing from late returning chinaman kept me from sleeping. probably slept only 2++ hrs before alarm clock rang to check out a pair of swedes at 630am. called a cab for them. soon after, a yellow cab went past the front slowly... but didn't stop.

swede: is dat our cab?
me: i dun think so. i called the other company. their taxis are blue or green.

yellow cab reverses back into parking lot.

me: yeah... maybe it is. (probably not loud enuff for them to hear while they hurriedly grab their bags and head out the door.)
swedes: dank yew! gootbye!
a rather embarassed me: cya!! *whew*

back to sleep for another 1/2 hr. wake up for the day and open up/set up the place. slow breakfast of gone-soft cereal + 2 pkts of 3-in-1 coffee with as much soluble coffee and chocolate powder i dare to add, all in a typical ceramic mug. with hot water of coz.

i mean slow coz 1 guy checked out, 1 girl checked in and 1 guy came to get the stuff in the office safe and pay for stuff and chit chat while i was eating. so of coz stop and entertain them lah.

and when lady boss came in, so did another flurry of requests, payments, enquires, etc. left work at 10am.

decided to head to ubin to pick wild flowers for mum. illegally of coz. so was going to be a
采花贼. saw that the no.2 bus i took from tanah merah (after an illegally long wait!!) went past changi chapel & museum, so decided to add that in as well. (free entry! so i donated $1.50 out of goodwill)

at the (recreated) chapel, read abt the WW2 invasion and evil treatment of POWs, generously illustrated by the many photos and drawings and artifacts. a Jap looking young guy was there alone as well, letting out the occasional sniff, dunno whether out of remorse or out of aircon. had to resist swinging a rusty hoe at him.

i am SO glad i'll only be working on fri nite again. if i had to work now, i'd be bayoneting all the jap guests, screaming "banzai your fricking balls, man!!"

spent way too much time there... almost 2 hrs. had lunch at changi village and only managed to board an ubin ferry at 2.35pm (including waiting time for the uncle to get enuff passengers before willing to pause his chit chat session with another boat uncle)

hit ubin and went straight to usual bike rental. for $4 i got a mid-sized mountain bike with a squeaky left pedal. for my haggling i was promised $1 back if i came back before 5pm.

so i zoomed off. whoosh! squeak...squeak...squeak... reached the german girl shrine with tired thighs and ears.

*the german girl shrine is located further into one of the smaller tracks, after the markings on the map end... it is a small, unremarkable wooden hut painted wholy in bright yellow, sitting under a large tree. opening its bright yellow doors, beyond the front table of burnt-out joss sticks stands a barbie doll, flanked by lipstick, ah-ma white face powder, mirrors, combs, bottles of water. the german girl's supposed urn sits behind the doll, which is part offering, part image. on the other 2 far corners sit 2 other altars of other gods.

i offered joss sticks and mentioned that it wld be great if she could watch over my parents and brother, thanx. i'm not the religious type, but her story kinda moves me. and anyway, i was already there, so no harm trying.

after a lingering rest, i picked the requested and other interesting wild flowers, taking photos of some future victims as well, and acted normal both times the police land rover trundled by. *whistle and stroll casually....*

as i pedalled less-furiously back, it struck me. 1st i saw instances of ppl from the allied countries suffering. then i visited an actual sufferee(?) from an axis country. full circle. maybe i shdn't judge, just accept it as part of history, and learn from it... violence only causes suffering.

and strangely enuff, the left pedal had stopped squeaking before i noticed.

stopped for a while at another shrine on top of a knoll, just to check it out. after getting back my $1, i was confronted by a gaggle of abt 60 students all wanting to get off the island. one yah-yah guy, probably their npcc occifer, was calling out for one more guy to get into the boat.

so i called out in chinese: "uncle! one more person ah?" "yah yah!" came the reply. but yah-yah guy stopped me, saying "sorry, we got one more person. so-and-so!" and a sheepish malay dude came running out from behind his frens.

for the next boat, yah-yah guy asked me "you all got how many ppl?" i replied sternly "i one person." i pointed to the ang moh guy and local girl i saw on the windy ubin roads earlier. "they two ppl." amazingly, not only did yah-yah guy "let" us board the next boat, ("ok, u all can take this one") he collected the fare of $2 from us!

the other 2 gave willingly. i suspiciously held on, wondering if he wld run off with the money, and the boat uncle demanding payment when we were out at sea. i grudgingly handed over my single note, and kept my grudging eye on him until he handed the money over. who did he think he was? anyway, i wasn't going to miss my hot date on account of his gaggle of students.

on the way back to mainland, i looked at my fellow passengers, the students. all of them wore long track pants and BLACK polo tees. and on such a hot day!! they had little water with them, only some carried small pouches and at least one looked flushed with heat. wat an idiot of a leader that guy is!!

anyway. i didn't hv any more water myself, and just managed to catch the no. 2 in time. much of the journey was endeavoured in trying to keep awake, in fear of missing my stop. when it finally came, i had only enuff brain cells awake to stumble across one damn-irritated auntie, shuffle some fat teenager out of the way, and hastily fall out of the bus. i remained standing for the mrt ride home.

had a short soak in the pool to wash away some of the tiredness, sea spray and salty sweat. after a shower by the pool, of coz. but i couldn't stay long - the allied invasion came in the form of 2 ang moh boys shouting and splashing in the pool with their threatening super-soaker style water guns. they sprayed each other, other screaming kids who were "passing by", and even aimed at me - but i was too far away to be hit. but no matter... the peace was gone, and time for me to go.

on the way to my hot date with my consultant, i made the stupid mistake of taking sleep-inducing buses again. i dunno how many times i woke up with a start, followed by a 5-sec blank as my brain tried to recognise where i was.

the hot date was very pleasant... consultant and i go back a few yrs, even had a short "semi-relationship". it was fun... we went shopping for my clothes, of coz. she still has that habit of stroking my masculine chest when i try on shirts, or slapping my tight butt when i try on jeans. hmmm.... maybe it isn't a habit after all... ;-P

yup... so did 110% of wat i wanted to... work, go ubin to 采花, date with consultant. threw in a visit to changi chapel as well. nice.

now so damn tired... hope i can wake up by noon tml.

and if u got until here, thanx for staying. must hv been real hard. haahah

Short Post

Currently Playing: Incessant Tapping on the Roof Extension Just Outside My Windows by Light Rain

Work, although can be tiring, is very fun. Never a dull moment coz even when there's no one around, there's either admin to finish or books to read. Plenty of chio ang moh girls to chat with.

I've only been to sch 3 times so far, so out of sight, out of mind. Will go regularly starting 2nd wk of march.

Going diving at Sipadan 1st to 6th March. only told parents it was "Malaysia". (i'm not lying wat)

Parents stopped nagging about the job liao. Guess they know I'll do wat i want anyway.

Cute girls popping out here and there. "Here" meaning at work and "There" meaning in hospital.

Things are picking up I guess. nothing much to gripe abt, hence this short post.

But hor, got dilemma.

Been turned off by gahmen's tactics, using GRCs and RCs to block opposition avenues, upgrading as carrots *if we don't come back, all dun hv!*, and using media as campaign tools (ST time bombs front page & News5tonite - see earlier post). but then hor, now they gimme money leh. then if i dun vote for them, i feel ungrateful leh, bite the fingers that gimme sunflower seeds. but i want more opposition in da house!! how ah?

of coz, this is in the hope that i can actually vote lah.

Of Course, There Is Always An Easy Way Out

Currently Playing: Black Horse & The Cherry Tree by K.T. Tunstall

Supposed to go for supper with 4 others... but last min found out one of them didn't know abt it, probably forgot, and another cancelled. So only left squid and cyclist. and apparently, both of them weren't feeling too cheerful.

then squid started getting iffy coz he was tired. if it was only cyclist and me, a bit no point for supper coz he stays in ulu-like-sengkang sengkang.

and i was feeling a little tired too. so i could just so easily dropped everything and rotted in front of the computer.

but i didn't. coz
1) i wanted to drive.
2) i wanted to tell them abt my work.
3) i thot the supper might cheer them up.
(reasons in order of decreasing importance)

yup... i wanted to just drop it. take the easy way out. but i might not get to drive and hv prata supper in a while... so i decided to seize the chance and just do it. i'm now more tired, but i'm glad i went out and had supper, and took the chance to make the evening enjoyable for those who were there, including me. i have plenty of opportunities to rot in front of the computer. in fact i'm rotting right now.


i'm more tired and sleepy than i've ever been the whole of this year. now instead of sleeping from 4am to 1pm, i hv abt 5 hrs sleep if day shift, and 3 hrs sleep if night, and hv to take naps where i fall into really deep sleep. i gotta go school, swim, meet frens too, so time is kinda short for sleep.

but in spite of that, i'm feeling better than i did bumming and sleeping the days away. at least the days are packed, and i feel i've got things done, accomplished something. if nothing else, at least i was earning a little bit of money and having fun the whole day.

i realise i'm not the type who can sit still for long. i get restless, bored, depressed. i need to go out and make things happen.

so now my priorities are work, planning europe, my 2 subjects, getting fit for the trip, picking up the guitar and improving my photography. for the next 3.5 mths.

crap. looks like i dun hv much time.

The 14th

14th Feb is usually the day of a year i detest most. I detest the cashing in of restaurants, gift shops, sweet shops, and of everyone who can. prices go so high everyone forgets abt the nationwide hike of cutting hair just 2 wks ago during CNY. but surprisingly, no one really makes noise abt it. maybe the barbers are raising their fees for the wrong season. they shd try raising fees the 1st 2 wks of Feb. "u cut your fringe coz going on vanstine pak tor rite? $30."

but most of all, i detest it coz i'm never part of it. fark man. everywhere got couples holding hands. so for the past 4 yrs, i wld be holed in my room in hall on this day, playing computer game and living off chips and cereal, ignoring the world.

coz as always, i hate feeling left out. if i'm in an activity or a group and i feel left out, i'd rather leave than remain there like an idiot. similarly, if the crowd i'll be hanging out with doesn't click with me, i rather not go.

on the same note, i farking dislike going out with a couple (ie. bf/gf) also. esp if the 2 are so into each other they wldn't hv noticed if i wasn't there if the seat was the same colour as my shirt. and further more, it's disgusting behaviour if i'm closer to one and the other is a little more than a stranger. it smacks of showing off. how would u like it if i keep talking abt my condo and its 3 swimming pools, 2 jacuzzis, gym, bbq pits, miniature golf course, 24hr security and its vicinity to so many great food places when i know u stay in a shabby 20yr-old 2 room flat? but then again, it doesn't make much difference if i know the 2 of them anyway.

u think its sour grapes? so wat if it is or isn't? too bad, it's me. deal with it. and i'm glad its the 15th already.

I'm Sorry, Pa. But...

Hi Pa.

I wouldn't have been able to sleep before writing this. First of all, I'm really sorry at raising my voice at you earlier. I never should have done that, and I'm really sorry. I know you want the best for me and always mean well. I guess I got frustrated because it was the third time in as many days that you seem to be telling me to walk out on the job.

I want to give this job a chance because:
a) although it's tiring as I'm on my feet a lot, I think that it's fun meeting people from all over the world, and very beneficial for my future travels.
b) I'm learning a lot as I've never held a service-oriented job before, and the operation is meant to be one-man. As of now, I've learnt about tact in front of customers, the importance of knowing what I need to know in front of them, how the administration of such an operation is run, their business practices and some of their little business secrets.
c) it's the only place that invited me for an interview, out of the 40-50 resumes I sent in January. The insurance company doesn't count because they took my resume off an online job portal.
d) it's able to suit my school schedule.
e) it's something different on my resume. It may or may not be relevant to my future jobs, but at least it will make people sit up and notice. For interviews, it would let me give unique examples of my strengths, letting me stand out from other candidates.

About the housekeeping issue, I will take a wait-and-see approach. I WILL voice my unwillingness if I feel that it is too often, but right now it does not bother me because:
a) they have employed part-time staff to come in to do the housekeeping, and I have seen them on the 2nd and 3rd day, the same 2 people for both days.
b) I have been told that in my job scope, I only need to help out if they are sick, and have been assured that it is not common. And I accept this as part of my job, subject to its frequency. As a promise to both of us, I WILL make noise if it is more than once a month.
c) I believe the housekeeping on the first day was a work-attitude assessment; another employee has told me that everyone's first day involved housekeeping. And I believe I passed with flying colours.

About the contract and payday issue, actually I have planned to bring it up after my OJT ended, which would be tomorrow; they mentioned that $5/hr was just the starting rate and they would increase it based on performance. I planned to ask them about the contract, insurance coverage (if any) and payment mode, but asking about the payday didn't occur to me, so thanks for telling me about it. During the interview, they did tell me that CPF would be included in the pay (13% from employer) and after every day, I sign a time in/time out sheet.

If I am unhappy with the contract or the job, I will walk out without any qualms. And in any case I do not think I've wasted my time as I'm learning so much. But I also would like to give this job a proper chance and see what it has to offer fully.

And if I didn't have this job, I'd still be looking for one, either until I found a suitable one, or until 1 month before my exams. This is because I can't stand having nothing to do for the majority of my time. For the most of January I was very bored and listless, just passing day-by-day. I don't want to live like that; I want to live my life to the fullest. Having a job gives me a sense of purpose, some form of discipline to get me out of bed instead of sleeping the days away, and ironically, better time-management since it takes up part of the once-endless amount I had. Since free time is now more limited, I would put it to better use, instead of procrastinating.

And if I had the notion of being a manager straightaway after graduation, I wouldn't have taken up this job. In a way, this job enables me to see what front-line staff, admin staff and housekeeping staff have to go through, teaching me to emphatise with them, not to look down on them just because they do a "lesser" job, because it's still not easy to do. I know that to be a successful manager or boss, you need to understand what those under you go through everyday, and that is what I plan to learn for the 1st few years of my working life.

Being a manager is just my mid-term goal. In the short-term I know that only entry-level positions will be available to me, and I take this willingly because they are opportunities to learn and grow, and because this is what everyone has to go through, how the world works. The "manager" vision is a goal I want to reach, a strong driving source of motivation for the 1st few years. It is not an obsession, nor is it a destination. It is merely a checkpoint on a long journey ahead, the next one after graduation.

And as a hiring manager, what would you think of a newly hired employee if he, a young man of 25yrs, told you he wanted to quit because his father didn't approve of his job?

Pa, I know you are looking out for me and want to make sure I'm alright. And I will be. I know it's a big scary world out there, so all the more I need that personal experience in dealing with it. How would I be able to advise my kids on the life lessons I learnt if I was sheltered from them? (But if they're anything like me, they probably wouldn't listen either.)

If some experiences turn out to be bad ones, it's ok, because I will learn from them and know what (not) to do next time, because I learnt them myself. And from whatever bad experiences, I will always, always bounce back. I've already suffered so many setbacks in NS and NTU, grown so much as a person because/in spite of them. A close fren told me that the present me and the one he first knew in NTU 2001 are very different, in a good way.

The road ahead is still long, and I might stumble and fall, or I might lose my way. But it's ok because I will get up again, I will find my way again, one way or another. And it's ok because when that happens, I will learn life lessons, and I will learn them truly well, because I learnt them myself.

I know you care for me more than I will ever understand until I become a father myself, but I feel that it's time for me to explore the big, bad world, try out new horizons and lose sight of shores. And I will come back and tell you all about it.


Your loving son,
XX

One Last Ramble. I Need To Sleep!

Re-stumbled upon a close fren's blog. Mainly coz she provided the opportunity.

I've always enjoyed meeting up with her, coz she always made for intelligent conversation. I wish I could've returned the favour. She has wisely chosen to keep herself busy to escape my inane remarks and cheesy attempts at being humourous.

Her blog is POWER. I felt as though I was reading a column from a newspaper.

The different aspects articulately weaved together.

The emergence of the main question and it's recap.

The guilty remembering, the accompanying relevelations.

The descriptions that brought me into her mind.

The final moving punchline.

And i look at my pathetic attempts at writing here, to entertain, to record, to ramble and rant. to practice.

It seems futile. When so many are leagues ahead of me.

You write wonderfully. So much better, than so many other people. If you intend to change jobs, I hope u return. preferably in a different, more familiar (to me) language.

But i don't think u insult ur own intelligence by reading this. haha.

I console myself by thinking maybe it's just coz our styles are different.

I See News5Tonite No Up

About 4 hours earlier, I was watching News5Tonite before Apprentice.

Ms Newscaster just finished talking abt Jayakumar raring to go for the next election, saying he hoped that got opposition fight in his East Coast GRC ward.

Then she started with something like, "There is hope in opposition ward Hougang." and went on to talk abt chiku trees bearing fruit. Confusing.

Actually, the trees were planned by PAP's Eric Low last GE. Which now starting to bear fruit, just like his efforts in the ward, doing blah blah blah blah blah blah........

*TV shows him smiling and mingling with residents, being a guest at functions*

Then when facing the camera, he talks abt wat he has done and complains that the Town Council, run by WP's Mr. Low Thia Khiang, has "not been cooperative" and cites instances.

This takes up almost 3-5 mins on the 20-25 min programme. Looks to me like an election advertisement. solely giving credit and good exposure to one candidate, and letting him complain abt his opponent.

First ST's "TIME-BOMB!! POSION!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" coverage, now this. tsk tsk. how to trust local media, mediacock and the like liddat?

I hope News5Tonite redeems itself by letting Mr. Low Thia Khiang talk next. for the same amt of face-camera-time, and same amt of "showing-grassroots-work" time.

Also starting to get turned off by gahmen liao. They so strong, still use this kind of tactics to influence young minds like mine once was. Why must stoop so low? Why so scared to lose? Must hv a reason rite? Pls change ur tack... before more ppl like me, getting smarter, getting more turned off. Else it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

better stop here. dun wanna kena sedited.

First Day At Work

Currently Playing: Destiny by Zero7

Gotta write this quick. there's lots, and i gotta wake up in less than 7 hrs.

Today started pretty well enuff. had "traditional" breakfast of kopi, lorti and (1) egg at a kopitiam beside my new workplace. kopi nice and strong, and the lorti can beat yakun's anytime! bcoz
1) they are generous with butter
2) they not so chao kuan! they dun slice the bread thin thin!

So fast digress liao. anyway started very slowly. only lady boss there, the boss (her husband and OIC) didn't reach until 10+am. so relak lor - tok cock with, and observe lady boss at work.

11am. housekeeping. after a demo, boss sent me to clean 3 dorms and 5 rooms. Over 3 floors. Fark.

Sidenote:
Clean room usually means the room is vacant. So gotta give toilet a good spray, re-do the bed with fresh sheets, clear rubbish and sweep the floor.
Clean dorm usually means dorm still got ppl's stuff. So gotta give toilet a good spray, clear rubbish, sweep the floor, avoiding scattered belongings.

Damn tiring. and got ppl do this kinda crap full time lor! Respect. I dun think i've even cleaned my own room so many times before!!

Finished this one task at 5pm, after abt an hr break for lunch at 3pm. My legs are still aching, my nose is still stifled. Tml I'm going to confirm with boss that this isn't the main part of the job. And stop imagining me in a french maid uniform!! blardy pervert!!

But it wasn't all menial labour though. In the evening I was given a more thorough briefing about operating the front desk, which will continue for another 1 or 2 days. Even some hands-on when the boss cldn't cope with overwhelming numbers of angmohs and an indon couple coming at him at the same time.

So front desk can be hectic, but it's really fun doing a service-oriented job, and interacting with the guests. Got some diving travel tips from a spanish bloke who's travelling round the world for a yr, and did Advanced and Rescue in 15 days in Thailand. Got a few smiles from a damn chio french chio bu for everytime she caught me bio-ing her.

Plus, I think they made a mistake in making the 3-in-1 coffee FOC for staff. well, it wasn't until they hired me.

Things I've Learnt:
a) Angmohs are bo chap abt dirt, are smelly and hairy. evidence from the rubbish, odour and stray hairs they leave behind on the floor, in the room, and in the toilet respectively, respectively.

b) Asians make better guests, bcoz of the opposite of the above reason.

c) Next time you see the cleaner who will clean your room, say a thank you in respect for all he/she has to put up with. Only the first day and I've encountered condoms (unused, thankfully), pads (used, CCB!! Literally!!) and endless amounts of women's underwear.

d) Next time you see the cleaner who will clean your room, say a thank you coz if you don't, he/she might just use someone else's USED sheets for ur bed, and use ur toothbrush to clean the toilet sink/floor/bowl. Or "assume" your favourite shirt/underwear is a rag.

Yay. Another 11+hr-day at work tml!!

An Eventfully Boring 24 Hrs

Currently Playing: Nothing. Coz i'm so sian.

There were 3 possibilities for the day. Attempting to blade, First steps to making music, or mahjong. None materialised.

I was asked of my plans for the day. My reply was to sleep until 1pm, then decide further. I did just that.

I don't remember what I did before lunch. Surf net probably. After lunch and an online book, I went to sleep again.

I woke up and went online again. Not that there were many ppl online to talk to. Flipped thru the newspaper. Ate a bit. Spent 2 hrs cleaning out hamster cages.

By this time the whole family went out for dinner appts except me. How strange. But then again, maybe not anymore.

Didn't feel like going out... and have started hating the food in my immediate neighbourhood. so i fell in with the CNY goodies and bak kwa. Had a bowl of banana nut crunch in front of the computer. And here i am now.

Hahaha... has this blog become so mediocre that such an entry even earns a place here? nay... this is just a reflection of my reality. Well... my only consolation is that there are some ppl who want to be this slack.


We can only guess wat goes on in others' minds... and their lives. I knew something was wrong, so i extended wat i thot was a helping, or at least comforting, hand - and it was slapped away. I offered it coz urs was offered before, and i thot i shd return the generosity, and maybe take another step back towards the close frenship we once had. now i realise y it crumbled. coz u're always so unpredictable, i dun know when i shd approach. so i guess i shdn't.


an unrelated musing.
is it better to suffer the bad with the good?
or nv experiencing neither bad nor good?
shd we protect ourselves from wat we know is harmful?
or embrace it coz we know it brings its joys as well?
is being torn between choices so horrible?
or is being unable to choose worse?

quiet nights are torture on my roaming mind.

This Is Sanity In The World After All

Bravo! Some Arab and Muslim youth have spoken out against the idiotic violent reactions to blasphemous caricatures in http://www.sorrynorwaydenmark.com/

As well as our own locals in http://www.todayonline.com/articles/99986.asp

I don't condone publishing the caricatures, although they may be trying to bring across a valid point that violent acts are getting more and more associated with a religion.

But I also condemn the violent acts and threats of cutting off heads in response to these cartoons... over-reaction by extremist idiots.

I don't know how to solve the complex problems involved. I don't have many answers. but I do know that firstly everyone gotta stop cutting off other peepur's heads. Shd sit down and talk it out 1st. and for that, everyone needs to hv their heads on.

Except for those blardy terrorists like those JI farkers and Osama and his biatches, who anyhow blow ppl up for their stupid religious reasoning. Someone pls go cut off their heads.

First Day Of School. Again.

OK. so school started 4-5 wks ago. i didn't feel like going can? fark man. give a guy a break!

i originally only wanted to blog this down. but the other 2 earlier posts got in the way. had to bang them out.

So there I was. sitting on a bench (no more seats in cant a during lunch hr) with my face in the newspaper (i wasn't looking fwd to meeting any "frens") and a cup of coffee beside me (gawd i love cant a kopi) waiting for lecture to start. which is a rarity. usually i enter LTs 10 mins into the lecture. that is, if i even attend.

why so early? coz i had lunch with kitty at the time when i was supposed to have a tutorial. hey if not for her, 3 hrs before that i wld've just snapped off the fricking alarm instead of pressing "snooze" for 20 mins ok? then i wld've stayed in bed til 1pm and miss BOTH of tutorial and lecture. one is better than none.

the lecture was horrendous. reminded me why i stopped going lectures 3 yrs ago. hong kee old man cannot speak intelligible english. the boring impractical subject shd be renamed "turbulent fluid momentum and continuity equations in canto-engrish".

the 1st 15 mins were spent trying to follow the lecture. serious. ok maybe the 1st 5. i get bored quite easily, especially when the environment is that boring. i started reviewing my schedule, picking up discarded flyers, popping sweets. resisted the temptation of taking out my newspaper.

i have no idea how i got thru the 2nd 15 mins. i smsed vj abt a dinner appt. flipped thru the notes. checked my hp for smses. checked again. flipped thru my schedule. tried to follow the lecture. that was the final nail in the coffin.

the next 20 mins were spent blissfully asleep. i think i was even dreaming. i only got jolted awake when i leaned too much on the table causing the table to almost flip and my pen to roll off.

sian. still got 10 mins. i resisted the urge to just walk out. i MUST stay thru this. coz tml got 3 hrs non stop. if can't sit for 1 hr, wat more 3 hrs?

finally, the hong kee old man ended his monologue. i threw my notes into my bag, climbed over the row of chairs and fell out of the doors into the sun-lit plaza, bleary eyed and sleepy. i stumbled across to the library to print the next day's notes.

the horrible sch day lasted an unbearable total of 3 hrs. ltr i gotta wake up at 6.30am for a 3hr 8.30am lesson. i think i better go sleep.

My Mum Won't Let Me Grow Up

arghz.

I'm starting work at a chinatown backpacker hostel on sunday. shifts are 9am to 8pm, 8pm to 9am.

I mentioned to Mum abt it before, she didn't seem too eager. but i usually dun care what anyone thinks anyway.

So JUST NOW, when i told her it was confirmed, she was adamant in wanting to know where exactly it was. how to tell her it is 2 roads away from yangtze?

She also mentioned that my dad might not like me doing the job. Irritated, i flared up "so what kind of job he want?" immediately after, a thot flashed in my mind. it might be her who's disapproving. in Dad's defence, she said he wld probably want me to concentrate on studies.

so i went internet and got the exact address. Teck lim road off keong saik road.

Alarm bells went off. "There used to be prostitute street."

Silently, in my mind: "scared wat? last time only mah. aren't we staying damn near a present prostitute street right now?"

More alarm bells: "There hor, now got a lot of ang mohs."

silently: "isn't that why i'm working at a backpacker hostel there?"

Super Alarm Bells: "you must be careful of those... gays leh. wait they molest you."

out loud: "WAT?? aiyah, i'll beat them up lah!"

i was then subjected to a tirade of how she got so worried when i stayed over at frens' places when i was in sec sch (i dun even remember anything lor) coz she read newspaper report abt how kids complained that they were molested by their fren's fathers, and how i might be a victim coz i always look so young, and how my uncles (her brothers) are still asking whether i'm in sec sch or jc or NS.

i didn't respond. i didn't trust myself to. so i continued banging away on msn.

sigh. does showing affection to her makes her think i'm a wimp? do i really need to beat up some ang moh faggot to show that i can take care of myself? (i wld love to... hahhaha)

Mum, Dad, I love you very very much. You 2 are, in many ways, my guiding lights. but could u please let me grow up? it's hard enuff without u preventing me already. You've shone for me many, many areas, but there are plenty more i need to explore for myself.

Disturbing, Disturbing

Currently Playing: A Life Less Ordinary by Ash

Read a very disturbing article in TNP today. Titled "Lift Upgrade - New Park - If PAP loses in my GRC WILL I STILL GET THEM?" (not featured in their very unfriendly website)

ok those words weren't in CAPS. but they were in a much larger font than the other words.

the most important point in that article was that if u dun vote PAP, and ur GRC fall into oppositions' time-bomb stained hands, BOOM!!! no more major upgrading!! the bomb will collapse all the argly scaffolding and leave ur carparks half filled with sand!! at most they finish putting the nice nice floor tiles which no one cares abt on the lift landing floor... then they lock away whatever town council funds they accumulated over the years into a "sinking fund", presumably named as it can only be taken out and used in dire emergencies, eg. when the whole block sink until 5th floor become 1st floor liao.

so maybe the only good thing that will come out of a opposition-won GRC is that if u're a minority, ur 10-member family can finally move out of ur 2-room flat which u long ago could afford to move out of, but couldn't because of some irritating gahmen policy called "racial quota"

so what was it about GRCs and upgrading not being election ploys? (retort: so? when u become gahmen, u also can do the same thing wat. when u sit on top, of coz must make things difficult for unqualified peepur who try to push u off and take credit mah. think andy kuan.)

the other disturbing article i read in yesterday's Today, can fortunately be found online: http://www.todayonline.com/articles/99813.asp

the wise mr.miyagi warns abt blogging abt elections. so, i scareded liao. wait kena charged with sediting or sumthing liddat. sigh. liddat how to share info and ramble out my thots after attending all the opposition rallies? keep the funny rubbish they say inside will kena internal injury one leh!!

anyway... i'm thinking. all this while i've been supporting the gahmen silently, but wholeheartedly. Wat was i thinking???? now then i start to see so many shortcomings and election tactics and possible coverups and possible conspiracies (might not be true lah, just thinking there MIGHT BE). was i blind? was i plain stupid? did i just didn't want to see? or is it now then information is getting freer on internet, so i can read more than wat ST chooses to print?

dun get me wrong. i not saying gahmen not good. considered one of the best liao. i imagine in other countries like US (champion of democracy!!) and China... things are more chialat, even more stuff unknown to many many peepur, probably some EVIL stuff even. sure damn chao kuan one. i really, really like our gahmen. maybe i'm being a bit too idealistic. gahmen also made up of peepur mah. peepur also may do stupid things like nv check how much certain charity figures actually earning until he stupid stupid go sue gahmen info vehicle, oops i mean national best-selling newspaper.

so wat will happen during election?? stayed tuned!! but if possible, not this blog. i scareded lah.

Random Fishy Ramblings

Currently Playing: 1985 by Bowling For Soup

Had a very nice dinner of 2 whole fish stuffed with chilli... plus rice and all the other stuff that Mum cooked. the fish was the highlight of the meal... which incidentally, was bought from outside.

I like to eat fish... probably as much as seeing them swim around me when i'm diving... I remember seeing a LARGE humphead (about same size as me) for the first time and wondering how it would taste. hahahha

I guess it's so fun coz the the bone structure... nothing big sticking out... easy to peel off the bones... but the best part is the head!! the part above the forehead and the cheeks hv nice texture... and once you get that out of the way, can remove the jaw portion and go for the eyes!! seriously, once u get over the gross factor, the eyes are quite nice. they dun really hv much taste themselves, but if cooked well they wld hv absorbed some juices... nice!!

but the best part, IMHO, is the part that needs most work and most gross-ness overcoming: the brain!! (common question at this point: fish have brains??? of course. except for certain ppl i know, most vertebrates have brains)

the fish brain is located in the skull, directly behind the eyes. you know, the part which most ppl usually throw away (tsk tsk how wasteful). but coz it's totally encased, the skull must be cracked open. literally. so first u gotta remove all the unnecessary periphery, like eye sockets (delicious as well!) any remaining spinal bones (fish got no neck) and empty (assuming eaten) cheek flaps. that done, either using hands or teeth, gently pry the skull (now diamond-shaped from the back) open.

NB: don't use too much force! if u crush the skull, it'll cave in and squeeze the brain into ooze. then more difficult to eat liao. sianz...

so if u pried it open properly, u shd now see the pinkish rounded irregularly shaped brain with blood vessels(?) running ard it... its very fragile and watery, so u must faster SSLLUURRPPP!!! it out!! nice!!! tastes a little nutty. SHIOK!

note: usually fried fish like ikan kuning wun hv any more brains, coz the skulls are already deep fried. but crunchy skulls are nice too! like fish crackers. but really well fried ones will still hv the brain intact and moist. that will prove the the fish wasn't too dry (assuming that by the time u reach the skull, the rest of the fish has already been eaten.)

with this, i end this part of the post with the following apology and disclaimer:

apologies to veggieyx... if u read this meaterian's entry. hahahahah

disclaimer: rockie does not hold himself responsible if any of his readers getting turned off eating marine life. in fact, rockie wld like to take this opportunity to discourage all his readers from eating sharks' fin coz he wants his offspring (and their descendants) to be able to see sharks while diving! if any of his readers hold rockie responsible, it is their problem.

on a totally seperate but no less fishy note... i've been visiting the following sites:
http://sgtvratings.blogspot.com/
http://www.mrbrown.com/
coz i've been bored outta my skull (haha)

sgtvratings gives accurate local tv ratings accompanied by commentaries which are a tad too honest for mediacock's liking. that's y its so farnie!!

everyone knows mrbrown. i wld like to recommend his and mr.miyagi's latest podcast... "browncast: the valentine's day special"! damn farnie too!!

that's it for now then. I shall talk abt valentine's day when it comes nearer. keep dropping in!

note to self: fish are friends AND food!! and sharks aren't either!!

Thought Of The Night

there is plenty of information everywhere, some of which may be conflicting. the key to knowing which to take in, after reading them, lies in knowing who the author is and wat agendas he might possibly have.

Late Night Troubles

Currently Playing: Give It Away by Zero7

Or early morning troubles... depending on how u look at it.

It's bad enuff to know that a crappy instituition wasted 5 yrs of ur life trying to teach u useless crap.

It's worse to be constantly reminded you owe them lots of money for your troubles as well.

And it's much worse when you owe more than others.

Of coz, the money owed can easily be written off. but it's not nice... and it's just not a nice feeling. like owe-ing your enemy money.

So one more driving force: I wanna have my revenge. One Day. I will make them pay me back.

How? i'm not very sure at the moment; i hvn't got the details worked out. first thing i gotta do is get some leverage. so i gotta be damn successful at wat i do. no worries - revenge is a dish best served cold. and i want/hv to prove myself too.

So... what are my options now? POSSIBLE freelance outdoor photographer AND backpacker hostel operations exec. 2 half-past-six jobs = 1 full job. I'll only know for sure on monday...

Of coz pay isn't the main factor. I want it to be interesting, so it's a start. So right now part of my plan consists of the hope that potential employers will find them interesting too.

I know it won't be easy. but the legwork doesn't scare me. in fact, i like going out and meeting ppl and talking. but it's the mental work i'm worried abt. not sure i hv the discipline to do self-learning. I have to return my "finance for dummies" library book on tues and I hvn't finished 1/3 after 6 wks. I just hope settling into a routine will give me more discipline, which shd start this coming week.

I wanna do so many other things as well. I WILL juggle them. coz i want to. I've wasted too much time.
===================================================================

next troubling topic.

Wat does it mean to "like" someone?

Does it mean I find her physically attractive? That's shallow. The whole "love" thing is supposed to go deeper than that, right?

Does it mean I think she's suitable for sharing a future? So do i really know she is? Or do i just hope that?

Does it mean I see that she's available and I'm willing? So I like her because she's there? Still shallow.

Does it mean I feel that I want a relationship with her? I may, but is it just for my own emotional gratification? That's selfish.

I don't think I understand wat these things mean anymore. Someone help me out here. Leave a comment.

There was a time I thot I did. I guess after so many botched attempts, my once-strong romantism has waned and faded.

I think the word here is "jaded".

That sense of futility that just makes you tired.

Do I really like you because you're you? Or do I feel this way just because you're here?
===================================================================

I guess it doesn't really matter at the moment anyway. gotta focus on myself first. maybe that's wat I shd've done all along.

note to self: Do wat ya gotta do! Start juggling!

A Miserable CNY

Currently Playing: I'll Stop The World and Melt With You by The Cure

Just got discharged from hospital for dengue this afternoon, after 5 days of sick boredom.

Well.. it only wasn't that bad coz my bro was with me... both of us kena abt the same time, but he didn't hv it as bad as me so he got out a day before.

so for 4 days both of us stayed within 5m of each other in a small room with attached toilet, eating the same inedible/tough/tasteless food, flipping thru the same boring channels and enduring a blood draw every morning at 8am. as an added bonus, my bro witnessed my "unreasonable" refusal to be put on a drip. (i was eating and drinking more than him, and i HATE needles. 1 every morning was quite enuff.) part of the exchange went like this:

Nurse: "just a needle prick only, like yesterday morning i do for u, not pain rite?"
Me: "No lor, where got not pain? I was shouting away in pain remember?"
Nurse: "...but... of coz mah, the needle sharp, else how to take blood?"

hahahha. rather badly behaved. later with parents intervention, i relented and agreed to the drip, but the senior nurse decided to wait and see the next day. and thankfully, my blood showed some improvement, so no drip at all. the doctor did seem a little amused abt the incident.

so every morning after the nurse gave the 6am medicine or check vital signs, i wld be jumpy and awake, waiting dreadfully for the blood letting. it got better as the days went by though. dunno whether i gotten used to it or the nurses started to send the better of their colleagues to curb my screams. but the 1st 2 nights were dreadful. could hardly sleep with the rashes and anxiety. as night fell i would be counting down to 8am.

the food was definitely nothing to look fwd to. breakfast was either bland cereal, bright, bright yellow scrambled eggs which looked genetically colourifically-modified, wholemeal bread with plastic-looking saltless margerine and sugarless fruit juice. lunch and dinner was either hard white rice with bitter veges or too tough/soggy western food. to let my body heal, i had to force myself to eat.

there wasn't much on tv, except the usual gong xi gong xi shows on the normal tv channels, hbo and espn. hbo wasn't showing that many good shows too, so after reading the paper in the afternoons, there wasn't much to do except sleep. on a heat-trapping rubber mattress and it's complementing pillows of coz. the combination of uncomfortable pillows, hot and itchy body, and needle anxiety, i didn't get much good sleep really. developed an un-ending headache the last 2 days, which miraculously disappeared after a nap on my own bed this afternoon.

the ordeal ended after spending a nite alone in the hospital, and a surprisingly "ok" blood letting (no sound from me). the senior nurse called to tell me the good news: my platelets jumped 3 times within the last 24 hrs and i could go home todae. but my headache got worse - screwing up my body temp and stomach with it. had no appetite, felt either too cold or too hot and all i wanted to do was to go home. so bro drove me home and dad waited in the ward for medicine and official discharge and took a bus home.

the nite before that, dad and bro came to visit, some 6hrs after he himself got discharged. mum wasn't feeling well. so we 3 sat there and watched tv. it was like that with bro in the ward also. we wouldn't talk much, but the silent presence of each other is always so strangely comforting. yet, we're so familiar with each other we dun even realise that.

at times like these i'm so very grateful for having such a loving family. we live very simply, really. if everyone's at home we just do our own thing... mum either in the kitchen or watching tv, dad on his guitars or doing chores, bro playing computer or sleeping, etc. and sometimes being so familiar i dun bother to talk much, esp last few wks. but if someone (ie. me) needs support, everyone's there.

and i guess this dengue thing is just the thing i need to kick me out of my recent slump. stuck in a cold, old hospital room unable to go anywhere, i looked outside to see ppl walking around on the road, and thot to myself how lucky they were. i once could go outside and walk around too, but was too busy moping at home to do so until i fell sick. i was wondering when i'd see my home again. in physical source vs mental source of depression, i think mental is easier to overcome.

so once again, i only know how to treasure when things are taken away. once i recover my strength, i wun stay at home do nothing... i will pursue wat i set out to do earlier this year. coz i hv a choice.

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide."

-Napolean Bonaparte

And on a related note... u know how i'm always going on and on abt how boring and annoying CNY is to me? i've changed my mind. nothing is more depressing than getting stuck in hospital and stuck with needles when u know the rest of the world is eating goodies and talking cock and all the tv is showing tv celebrities lip synching happie happie CNY songs and the 10 superstar contestants bouncing around sentosa reminding u how lovely the outside world looks like.

so... i will be more appreciative of my family, and my health, and my freedom to choose.