Fooled Again

Currently Playing: Love Is Only A Feeling by The Darkness
Currently Feeling: Dark

I don't know if i'm sleeping tonite. but perhaps it is the most convenient escape.

For those who dunno, I met a girl some time back. I did bio her the 1st time we met, but that was it. but somehow circumstances threw us together, some frens helped as well... and we ended up hanging out often.

Soon ppl were encouraging me, based on wat they saw and felt. I felt some good vibes too, or i nv wld hv done anything. Things seemed to get better still. I nv spent almost 8 hrs with someone alone before. MSN sessions left me smiling the whole day.

But bcoz of something arbitrary called morality, i decided not to talk any concrete action until external factors were favourable. my own words at that time. a time when i still wasn't too sure.

But the more time passed, i grew deeper and deeper in. and factors became less favourable. i began feeling some pain, which i thot wldn't last long.

But i was wrong. and fuck, it hurts on so many sides i dunno where to start.

So many questions about her. she says there was never anything. no chemistry, no feeling. do i believe that? i know wat i could feel from her, at a time when my mind was clearer. bystanders saw it too. of all i did, did nothing move her? was i just a float in stormy waters?

So many questions about me. so many times already. am i such a chemical-less person? am i such a poor specimen, unworthy of romantic experience? i do not reveal my romantic side lightly, for i believe it is reserved for someone. is that a wrong decision? could i hv done something to change her mind? did i hesitate too long?

why always not me? they say you have to be lovable first. goodness knows i've tried so hard and improved as a person so much... 5 yrs ago i was a different me. but still nothing's changed, even though i'm not the same. wat's wrong with me? after all that i've changed, its still the same.

a fren once told me i shdn't be so readily available all the time, to create some anxiety in the other person, which wld create feelings. is that true? i can't bring myself to do that... if i hv feelings for that person, it is only right that i will be there for her all the time. are such outdated thots obselete in romantic feelings today?

am i too straight forward, too old fashioned, too truthful? or do i lack the scruples to ensnare unsuspecting girls, do not know how to play upon their feelings so as to make them like me?

So many questions about life. Am i destined, fated, to spend my life alone? I never believed in fate, but it's starting to seem that efforts dun always count, there is a stronger hand at work. if that is so, my hope is that there is some very good reason for me to be single forever. maybe being single will allow me to get bombarded by gamma rays to gain superpowers to save the world from evil villians.

I do not know the answers to all these questions. maybe coz after a quarter of a century, i still do not know wat is love. not that i've ever experienced it before. and you know... of everything in my life... i had some successes somewhere. all except this aspect. is that y this is the only thing that can make me feel so down, so depressed, affecting everything else? or becoz it is so impt that i keep messing it up? all i want, all i need, is one fucking chance. i know i will succeed, if only given one chance. never one fucking chance.

don't get all preachy on me and tell me some godly supreme being up there has a plan for me and everything will be alrite and all that crap. that's only shallow consolations. and don't tell me crap like everything will be fine and the rite one will come along someday. i've heard that so many times i sick of it. dun give me empty consolations when u can't do anything abt it.

Always. WHY? why she liddat? why not me? WHYWHYWHY? will it ever come to me?

Enough. i will only allow myself so much self pity. i dun care if it is my fate. i'm sailing on to another port of call. and another, and another, if that's wat it takes. i will not be brought down. never for long.

And yes, she reads this. Tomorrow i will wake up, and everything that happened between you and i wld be just a dream. in my opinion, it was wonderful and sweet, but too bad it didn't end well. u might say it was nothing, maybe even think it was nothing, but i don't. but it doesn't matter. it was only a dream.