Is It Really Her?

It's the same sharp nose... and those big black eyes with double eye-lids and long dark lashes. well ok, that big black EYE. the only time i could see half her face was when she turned to her left to talk to her fren. Still, same not-so-good skin, same thick wavy black hair. longer than i remembered, but it's been... what, seven years? wow. it's been that long.

What's she doing here in ntu listening to a dbs talk? didn't she study engineering at nus? change of career? and come all the way to ntu to listen to a talk? and dragged her fren down with her?

I wonder how she is now... must have been working for at least 2 yrs... 25 already... probably has a bf, all ready to settle down... at 25, for guys it's still considered young, but for girls, it's probably time to start thinking abt settling down, or at least, having someone who's going to with her.

the talk isn't interesting anymore. don't even care what the speaker is saying. everytime she turns to her fren i shift left, hoping to get a better look, but there's a chinawoman betw us. i gaze at the back of her head, remembering her hair just the way it is now... thick, wavy, a little dry and frizzy. i remember she used to cut it short and slightly messy. not that it mattered.

remembered those times... when we were 7-8 yrs younger. i wld approach her at the canteen, or at the bus stop, and we would talk. and i wld just look into those big black eyes of hers and the rest of the canteen wld be just a blur.

then the talk ended. with no one in my way, i deliberated, and anxiously waited until she turned to move down the seats. but when she did, i didn't dare to look at her. i followed the crowd out instead.

outside, she stood there talking to her fren. she must have saw me checking her out, coz she deliberately turned away. shd i approach?

then, standing by the parapet, that familiar, horrible feeling came back after so many years. heart beating that was so fast and so strong i could hear it clearly. i felt my legs shaking, and that terribly anxious, rib-cage bursting feeling permeated the whole of me. there i was again, in the sch canteen. that nervous, excited, clumsy, bumbling, shaking school boy who wanted to give that valentine's day present.

but i had to approach. i wanted to. just like 7 years ago, i needed a drink to calm my nerves. drinking the cold cordial provided, i looked at her again. and lost my nerve again. with the paper cup in my hand, i had walked straight in her direction, and walked right past.

she looks different though. besides the longer hair, i didn't remember her being that, well, slightly big. vertically and horizontally. but it's been so long... ppl might hv put on some weight. and it has to be those heels. her face doesn't quite look the same though. maybe it's not her.

but maybe it IS her. i had to know. and i had to justify me hanging around the buffet spread for no good reason, not touching the food while everyone was queueing up for it. and me walking around aimlessly checking out girls like a nervous schoolboy.

This is it. I go up to her and interrupt her conversation with her fren. i'm too nervous to care abt manners. "Excuse me, were u from sajc?"

A little stunned, a little puzzled, she replies a heart stopping "Erm.. yah...?"

But she does look different. Let's just give it a try. "From... 1998?"

Even more puzzled, "No... two thousand.... two thousand and two."

"Oops sorry. You look like someone I know."

She graciously gave a "Never mind, it's ok" as i beat an embarassing retreat.

It's ok. i had to know.

As i wrote this, more memories came back. the way she talked... more on her wavy hair, and those mesmerising eyes, as i used to tell myself. the little gifts i gave her, like a piece of wire stolen from the sch lab (which she regconised) shaped into her name. my offer to sing to her at the sch bus stop, which she refused, horrified. the time i stupidly followed her and her best fren to city hall with no good reason given.

the last time we met at clementi, and i cldn't find any food, so she told her sister on the phone that we were going to jurong to eat. we walked round and round, she telling me abt skipping lectures to watch movies with an older guy in nus, me telling her how horrible life was in the army. my last monologue to her, leaving messages on her pager. i don't remember wat i said, but i remembered i was embarassingly heart broken. after those messages i sat at the bottom of the barracks, talking my heart out to a bunkmate who wld listen, in that especially dark nite.

i wonder how she is now.